I did it...

I will post a short warning first: this might be a difficult read for some of you.

Just before I left for vacation, I accomplished a huge task that had been lurking in my mind (and in our extra room): cleaning out Carter's closet. I took pictures, I sorted through everything, I read through the countless cards and letters we received and I cried, a ton. But in the end, it was just what I needed. When Pete and I first stuffed all baby related items in there, we jokingly called it the "heavy closet."

(It is also VERY heavy in the physical sense. I can't fix that, but I can fix the emotional part)

But for me, as time went on, it really did just become too heavy. When Pete and I tried to use that room one morning last week for a workout and I ended up sitting on the treadmill in tears instead, I knew it had to be done sooner rather than later. It is time to accept that room won't be a baby room and change around the reminders of its planned purpose.
I got the process started with a box to give away, a bag to keep, and the trash can.

the give away box. My friend Kasia is being gifted everything. But I decided I don't feel comfortable handing off these things too early in someone else's pregnancy so it will be in storage for a bit longer while her baby starts looking "a little less like a sea monkey" (Juno reference, not commentary on what Kasia's super cute baby will look like)

So, I started pulling everything out and figuring out what was there...

Its doable. I remain thankful every day that atleast we don't have to pack up a whole nursery...
I followed a very wise friends rule that if it had not actually been Carter's (been in her presence), it gets given away. Most of the things, it was easy to do this with. The only exception to the rule was the quilt I had made for Carter's crib. I don't know what I will do with it just yet, if anything ever, but I could not give it away.
Then came the harder part. Going through all of her... belongings.

This is just a small sampling of cards since we got to a certain point of making sure we had each read them and then throwing them out. These have now been trashed too. Thank you again to everyone for their kind words during this time. But this is a pile of cards I don't want to look back on. Twice was enough.

And here it is: the part I was dreading. I was now left with everything, EVERYTHING that we had that had Carter's name on it, that she had touched, that had been given to us at the hospital. Every item of my daughter's entire lifetime. And it didn't come near anywhere filling up the gift bag set aside for these things.

So there is it, handprints, footprints, the one outfit she ever wore, a micropreemie diaper, her hospital bracelet, a blanket she used in the ICU, the blanket they wrapped her in when we saw her, every picture we have of her, her social security card, her death certificate.... A whole lifetime in a 15"x6"x18" bag.

We still have the travelbug we made for her that we intend to place in a geocache in the coming weeks. Any suggestions on where we should start, "Carter's Adventure" are welcome, there are geocaches pretty much everywhere you can imagine. Also, anyone who would like to come when we place it, let me know... it is not any sort of exclusive activity, geocaching is for everyone!

Then, as quickly as it had begun, it was done, much like our sweet little girl's life. I had to get my focus elsewhere...

so I gave the dog a bath...

and attended a family gathering.

And all in all, it was a pretty good day. And I can only expect, there are more of those to come.