With recent events, I've decided that I just need a place to write and not such a specific subject matter. Being on medical leave from work for the next six weeks means I need a few outlets and there is definitely a lot on my mind as of late.
As a kid, I remember meeting another child who casually mentioned that they would have had an older sister, but she died as a baby (maybe it was a brother, maybe it was younger... It is something I haven't thought of until now). I remember being completely... weirded out by this. I place this memory around earlier elementary school when so many subjects are kinda taboo but I still look back and think, "How strange that I just randomly remember this about a schoolmate whose specific name or face don't even come to mind?" As children, it is weird that another child with a similar background is so comfortable with a subject that you have no experience of. After a week of people comforting me, I am starting to realize that probably MOST only children in this country are just miracles of science that their siblings didn't have the benefit of, or simply that science wasn't enough of a miracle for those siblings. This is a difficult concept for me to put together. We have ENDLESS miracles in the science field. Babies born later than 25 weeks gestationally have a NINETY PERCENT survival rate. Read "What to expect when you are expecting," the number of functions that should be developing in the womb beyond this period in pregnancy are vast. Yet, I personally know someone who spent 12 weeks in the NICU with her child that was born just under 2 pounds and super early. Yet, here we are and every one of us of "childbearing age" seem to know someone who has experienced the pain of miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss... Its a tease. That is how I felt last tuesday morning when the Doctor came to my room to explain that Carter just wasn't strong enough. Just wasn't as strong as a 25 week old baby should be. This is even more heartbreaking to me because Carter was more than a 25 week old baby. They had just adjusted my due date because she was measuring so small through the whole pregnancy. She was this little miracle in that I shouldn't have been able to pregnant at all with all the fibroids I have... but her short life was all the strength and all the miracle she had in her.
Pete's grandma said the words to me that have been swirling around in my head as the most comforting and most heartbreaking... She told me to realize that my child was SO perfect that God brought her home to heaven before she had to deal with any of the trials and troubles of this world that the rest of us must endure. I guess in the perception of the soul, it should remain just purely comforting, because it is a beautful thought. But, I am of this world and think in terms of the body... so I just keep thinking that had Carter been so perfect, wouldn't she still be here?
Part of me wants to throw in the towel. To snuggle with my nephews a little more often and just accept that some women don't have children and it probably isn't any less fulfilling of a life. I think to myself, my job is pretty cool, my husband is awesome, so is the rest of my family, I have hobbies and interests outside of those things that can fill my free time...
But most of me, the deep, dark stubborn part that all of my loved ones have seen for some reason or another wants to make this modern science crap everyone speaks so highly of work for me. That part of me has the next few years planned out around the neccessary surgery and recovery time based on the slow periods in the restaurant, wants to start putting money into savings even though income is limited and medical bills are about to start coming in the mail...
I guess the only thing that is keeping me from committing to one or the other, is I would really like to be able to look at one option and think, "that takes less strength and faith, so that is what I will do." That is really how I wish I could weigh the options because while I am surprised at my strength and faith every day, I just fear it may run out.
"Bring and Row... Bring a boat
The gods lift us up
Then let go...
We fall into the water
Where the river will flow
So bring a boat, a paddle,
And a will to Row." ~Cosy Sheridan
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