Love my husband...

Me: "so... did you spend all day watching the royal wedding?"
Pete: completely blank stare
Me: "I'm kidding. You don't have to get all full of attitude."
Pete: "you know what is interesting though?"
Me: "what?"
Pete: "the space shuttle launch got scrubbed."
Me: "oh..."
Pete: "this just proving to women worldwide that planning a wedding is not in fact harder than launching a rocket."
Me: "so you are suggesting that wedding planning is not rocket science?"
Pete: "yes."

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Yes, Lunch can be sexy.

If it looks like this!!!
Spinach, baby greens, asparagus, red pepper, sweet onion, shitake mushrooms, broccoli, carrots, soynuts, sesame seeds, nutritional yeast, and sesame orange vinaigrette. Yum!!!

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Thank you music for saying what I can't

I had a fabulous writing all outlined in my head but I couldn't pull the material off the cd that I needed so it will have to wait until tomorrow. Until then, here is a rockin' song to hold you over. This is one that struck me when I very first heard it because the first verse and chorus reminded me of when our good friend Josh died. I came home to what felt like the whole army troop sitting in my living room crying together. That line is so touching, "As brother we will stand and we'll hold your hand."
Today I was listening to the Mumford and Songs album while cleaning. I stopped as the second round of the chorus came around and suddenly thought, "I think I've been missing something."
So as I started it over, I looked up the lyrics. Sure enough, its even more beautiful and meaningful to me than I knew. So here are the lyrics. You can also look up the youtube video if you are interested in listening to the actual song. I added some pictures so my post wasn't too boring tonight.

Timshel by Mumford and Sons

Cold is the water

It freezes your already cold mind

Already cold, cold mind

And death is at your doorstep

And it will steal your innocence

But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this

And you are not alone in this

As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand

Hold your hand

And you are the mother

The mother of your baby child

The one to whom you gave life

And you have your choices

And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this

And you are not alone in this

As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand

Hold your hand

And I will tell the night

Whisper, "Lose your sight"

But I can't move the mountains for you

New rule

New rule: if my daughters lifetime was too short for you to bother learning her name then we are not close enough that you need to offer condolensces.
Following this rule will prevent me having to open cards addressed to the parents of baby girl hall and hearing people stutter as they say "oh I was so sorry to hear about.... well I don't know what you would call it."
My daughter. We called her our daughter. Her name was carter. She looked surprisingly a lot like me despite being too small and weak for more than a few hours on our earth. But she was here. She existed. She had a lifetime with us. If you missed it... its you who missed out. I should be apologizing to you. I certainly don't need you weak condolensces. Because personally you apologizing for... well whatever and reading cards addressed to the parents of baby girl hall isn't comforting to me.

Love, Lia

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HURRAY!

The easter bunny installed me a stove today! Whoo hoo. I will be cooking up a storm in no time.

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Just another day

Today was just a Saturday. I hate saying that, because since I head back to work on Wednesday, it was probably my last free Saturday for a LONG time.

Thinking of it as just a Saturday off is sad to me because when I am working full time, Saturdays off are a HUGE treat. In fact, I worked through most of the winter without a weekend day off. My typical schedule over the weekend was opening on friday and then mid shifts (10:30-7:30ish) on Saturday and Sunday. I had some vacation days late in November and had a couple saturdays then, but since... not one.

And then! the schedule got posted for the end of February and beginning of March. And there it was... a Saturday off for Lia. I got excited. We talked about setting up the crib, planning the nursery, making curtains. I couldn't believe I was so fortunate to get a Saturday all to myself. Well, and the rest of the world that I never see because they are Monday through Friday schmucks.

But it didn't happen that way. That one precious Saturday off turned into a nightmarish day full of nurses and IV's and drugs and... (shudder) Magnesium Chloride. I went from thinking I would spend my Saturday planning the nursery to actually spending my Saturday thinking about how I would probably be having my baby the very next day. My very small, very sick baby.

And I've been off every Saturday since. My boss emailed Thursday and said jokingly, "Enjoy your last weekend of freedom." So I sortof feel like I squandered today.

But when I think about all the pain and suffering of the last 7 Saturdays off, I realize... its fine to have just a Saturday. It was neither good nor bad. It was just a Saturday. Someday, I think I will be able to look at a day off on the weekend with hope and excitement again. But for now, I'm quite happy working them away.

speaking of ridiculous beasts...

In follow up to my previous post here is another ridiculous beast: john and heidi's dog velvet has pulled her bed into the middle of the hallway and has been sleeping there all afternoon. And snoring... loudly!

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Ursa Hall: cuddle puddle

For those of you who have not had the joy of meeting our crazy pooch, let me just tell you: she is really incredible. I've become pretty convinced that her genetic makeup is not at simple as... dog, but that is just me. We got her just before our wedding when she was about 6-8 weeks old from the humane society. She was 7 pounds, and immediately became my baby. Often when she would fall asleep in my lap I would realize she was sucking on my shirt. As a tiny pup left in a box in a dumpster, she needed a family at a time when we really felt a dog would be a blessing. And she certainly has been a bundle of blessing.



So, now she is almost 4 and while she may not be the most well behaved dog (read, you will get jumped on when you walk in our door), she happily rounds out our threesome.

She used to get in a huff when she would put my head on my belly and get kicked by Carter. As she stomped off to another part of the bed, I would tell her, "Oh you don't even know what is coming little miss... Life is about to change for you."

In saying this, I expected that life would change dramatically for her. That she would be demoted from number 1 princess to number 1 dog. She is very sociable and people (including kid) friendly so I was never worried about her vs. Carter. Actually, I think we quickly accepted that it wouldn't be long before it was her AND Carter vs. the world. Something like this:

Life has changed for Ursa just as it has for us. She hasn't been demoted though. In fact, I think she has been promoted. I remember only wanting to be able to scratch her head and cuddle with her while I was in the hospital... trying to convince someone to sneak her in. Would have been nearly impossible, that dog cannot sneak.

And ever since returning from the hospital, she has been at my feet, by my side, laying on top of me. One morning I woke up to find myself face to dog nose as she had, at some point during the night, decided to share my pillow.

I've been so thankful for this small joy, a bundle of warmth that lets me cry into her fur, and consistently lays with her lap on my chest.

And then a friend was telling me about a dream she had. It was a beautiful dream that brought me a ton of comfort but I won't type all of...

(and let me just add this little side note: I don't really know what my faith is at this moment let alone how I feel about dream interpretation, but for the purposes of hearing this dream in its entirety, I have chosen to see it as what I absolutely NEED it to be right now: a message from heaven.)

So this friend of mine tells me (yes Kati, I wrote it down. Since I don't remember my dreams, I've decided to journal about yours, haha.) "...And she said that she likes bears and that your bear is the best of all. That I don't quite get. But she was very assured of that fact. I remember laughing at her. And then Jay said she keeps talking about your bear..."

 

Let me interrupt a moment to say (as I did during this conversation) a couple of things: #1) There is no bear in a traditional "bear" sense. Clearly, I do not have a real bear but there is also not a stuffed teddy bear of any kind or any kind of importance. #2)Ursa is Latin for bear. We named her this because we had no idea that she would come out looking like she has. When we brought her home, she was our little bear cub.

 

Okay, back to the story. Friend pauses and says, "Holy hell! Ursa means bear. Your kid likes your dog... Wow. Ursa. I just realized that. I bet its Ursa. She said YOUR bear was her favorite and that YOUR bear was watching over you and she LOVES that bear. Your daughter like your dog. That's amazing to me. I bet she likes her because she bring you comfort."

So now when I need a moment of crying into the soft fur around Ursa's neck, or to hold her tight against my chest... I rest assured that is her purpose for now.

Because not only is that little brown dog smart and athletic and agile and silly and ridiculous... she is expressive... and empathetic. And those are qualities I can be thankful for in any being.

But if you come around to meet this indescribable pooch, be prepared to throw a ball. Because she is insatiable for a good game of fetch.

D is for delightful dinner

I tried out a new recipe tonight from this month's cooking light magazine. The article featured "the glorious noodles of spring." I was attracted to this collection of recipes because while I enjoy pasta, I am not the world's biggest fan of red sauce.
So, this weekend, we bought all the ingredients for one of them, and this evening I gave it a try.

Ingredients:
1 TBSP olive oil
1/2 cup chopped pancetta (about 2 oz)
1/2 cup finely chopped shallots
1 1/4 cups shelled green peas (about 1 1/2 pounds unshelled)
1 garlic clove, minced
1/4 cup dry white wine
2 teaspoons chopped fresh thyme
1/2 pound uncooked bucatini pasta
1 TBSP kosher salt
2 TBSP olive oil
1/2 tsp kosher salt
1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1/2 cup grated parmigiano-reggiano cheese

1. Heat a large skillet over medium heat. Add 1 Tbsp oil to pan, swirling to coat. Add pancetta; cook for 10 minutes or until browned and crisp, stirring occasionally. Remove pancetta from pan, reserving 1 Tbsp dripping in pan; set pancetta aside. Add shallots; Cook for 4 minutes or until tender, stirring occasionally. Add peas and garlic; cook for one minute, stirring occasionally. Add wine and thyme. Increase heat to medium high. Bring to boil; cook until liquid reduces to 2 Tbsp. Remove from heat.
2. Cook pasta in boiling water with 1 Tbsp kosher salt according to package directions, omitting additional fat. Drain the pasta in a colander over a bowl, and reserve 1/2 cup cooking liquid. Add pasta, 2 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil, 1/2 tsp salt, and black pepper to pea mixture; toss well. Stir in reserved cooking liquid. Place about 1 1/4 cups pasta mixture in each of 4 shallow bowls; top each serving evenly with grated cheese and pancetta.
Yield: 4 servings.

Bucatini is a spaghetti shape but it is larger in diameter and hollow. I just used spaghetti because we have about a 10 year supply. We have a hard time finding shallots at our grocery so we use leeks instead quite often, this was one of those times. I neglected to measure the peas or shallots so there were a lot more than the picture in the magazine depicted but it was tasty. I also topped the dish with diced tomatoes at the same time as I added the pancetta and parmesan. Careful with salting the dish, both the pancetta and parmesan have got plenty of it going on...

Super tasty! 
Cheers, Lia

seriously???

Last night after blogging I tried to head to bed but a little brown dog had taken up residence on my pillow! I need to make her a new bed so she will stay out of mine...

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Weekend adventure!

There were two projects this weekend of very different tastes... er, at least... hobbies we'll say.

On Saturday, curiosity (how come that looks spelled wrong?) brought me up to my mom's where my dad had told me via text that she was going to be making "edible grass." How could one not come running at this? A couple of clarifications and I found out that she was going to attempt to make Easter grass (like that in an Easter basket) out of sugar based on something she had seen a pastry chef do on the community college TV channel. Naturally, this was a project that appealed to me rather greatly and I came right on up the hill.

So our method was to heat up the sugar to just about hard crack (300 degrees Fahrenheit) and then! we would take the sugar and using a fork, FLING it over a round object. The idea was that the sugar was supposed to drip off the round object (the TV show had used wooden dowels) creating strands that would appear grassy.

Attempt 1. Heated the sugar up too fast, burned the crap out of it. As we starting dripping it ( we weren't flinging at this point... still concerned about not making a mess?), it did the strand thing but was, in the words of legally blonde, an "icky brown color." As I was the one quite curious what sugar grass would taste like, I found out that this attempt tasted like... burned sugar: Unenjoyable!

Attempt 2: Heated the sugar up much more slowly, started dripping sugar over rolling pin. It kind worked but most of the sugar stuck to the rolling pin rather than dripping off. Started thinking that perhaps we needed something with a smaller diameter...

Attempt 3: Towards the end of attempt 2, dad came in to give his two cents. He felt we needed to use more force and a smaller diameter object. So, he taped two pieces of wire hanger hanging off the edge of the counter.

Then, that is where the flinging came about. He took a fork, dipped it in the melted sugar and pretty much splatter painted the kitchen. It was successful, but quite a mess!!! At one point, I looked around at the dots of green hard candy all over (fridge, floor, cabinets) and said to my mom, "Now I'm not suggesting that we weren't allowed to make messes as kids, but this is definitely one of the bigger ones we've made." She just laughed. Isn't it fun when your parents start to go senile (just kidding mom and dad)?
So, this was our final product, about 3 cups of sugar, a lot of green gel cake coloring, and a big cleanup later:

Its pretty cool but I do have two suggestions for next time: a) cotton candy machine. b)just use alfalfa sprouts. Though the resulting product was both tastier than alfalfa sprouts (which I like but really, who wants a vegetable in their Easter basket???) and even tastier than standard issue cotton candy. So maybe it was worth all the trouble.

As compared to these activities, Sunday was quite tame. We just went over to Amy's and finished up the costumes for her upcoming recital on May 7. While it was fun, I am happy to be done with that project. I'm considering a few options for my next sewing project:

1. a sun hat. I had this all cut out to do for my trip to phoenix but didn't get around to it. As a result, my scalp is now peeling.
2. place mats. We have a dining table for the first time in years and should soon have a stove so it seems like some place mats would be a good thing.
3. grocery totes. I just don't know how much use they would get. We already have four that we've gotten from various handouts and we NEVER remember to bring them into the store!

Anyway, thats my little weekend craft update. We come up with some crazy ideas, but it sure is fun!

Don't wanna!

Just a short post to say, I don't really feel like blogging tonight. I've been resistant to doing very much of anything the last couple days. Thoroughly enjoyed going into work today for the manager meeting. Hopefully I will be returning next week. We just have to see what the doctor has to say about that thursday!

Vacation!!!

So here it is folks, the pictures from my fabulous vacation that you all have been waiting for...

There were stray cats roaming all over the resort. At night they would come out and hunt moths. They also trolled the pool bar after it was closed (kinda gross, but atleast it isn't mice?)

These two are saguaro cacti along the road as you pull into the resort. I took pictures of them because they were cush classic, perfect looking cacti, like out of a roadrunner cartoon.

The whole place was built into this rocky butte, with a creek running through. They really worked with the natural landscape when they built and it really added to the "ambiance." There were 4 hot tubs hidden in various place among the rocks. This is the one that was just outside our room, it was always really quiet because it wasn't part of the main pool area. The waterfall came down right behind it and traveled further down the hill in a very rocky stream. Super peaceful to have the sound of a small waterfall as you sit in a hot tub.

This is a super tall, straight up cactus at the top of the hill I "hiked" (it was maybe  a 500 foot trail)

And this is the little woodpecker whom has made his home in said cactus. If only the woodpeckers attacking our chimney could learn this is where they are supposed to live...

I was brought to the top of this hill to find a geocache. When the GPS pointed up this way 50 more feet, I decided I probably wasn't agile enough to get it. Because failure would HURT... a lot. (It is solid rock and every living thing up there is some varient of cactus with huge spikies.)

View of the phoenix area from the top of the "butte"

View of the cemetary that was just down the street from the hotel. I actually ended up spending some time there (for another geocache). But when there was a couple sitting on the bench literally ON TOP of the geocache, I took a few laps around and explored a bunch. The oldest grave I found was 1933. There were some really interesting monuments and a whole section of smaller plots for kiddos (1930's). I found it super interesting to walk around. I've always been kinda creeped out by the whole, "explore the cemetary" thing, but it was really cool. The desert landscaping was unique, it was a pretty day, there were birds cirping and windchimes... One of the most peaceful walks I've taken.

This kinda gives you an idea of the rockiness that the hotel was built up against. There were tons of stairs to get from the rooms to the lobby to the conference center, and it was a nice little walkabout to get anywhere.

Another view of the pool from my chair :) Its hard to see because I was expertly shooting into the sunlight, but there is a waterfall into the pool and the stream comes down that hill in the background in a series of falls and ponds.

Overall, it was a very nice trip. I didn't get away from the hotel much since we didn't have a car, but I really didn't need to. I got a ton of sun (a little too much in places...), read a lot, made friends with the bartenders at the pool and met some of Heidi's infamous collegues. Many apologies go out for not capturing photographic evidence of Heidi participating in a Wii game of "just dance" but you will have to take my word for it: it happened.

And now, I feel more ready than ever to get "back to the grind," as they say. I have my doctors appointment next week and will hopefully get the all clear to return back to work the following week (April 25).

So those of you who would like to hang out before my schedule gets all kooky again, give me a call. My time is filling up fast... (not really)

I did it...

I will post a short warning first: this might be a difficult read for some of you.

Just before I left for vacation, I accomplished a huge task that had been lurking in my mind (and in our extra room): cleaning out Carter's closet. I took pictures, I sorted through everything, I read through the countless cards and letters we received and I cried, a ton. But in the end, it was just what I needed. When Pete and I first stuffed all baby related items in there, we jokingly called it the "heavy closet."

(It is also VERY heavy in the physical sense. I can't fix that, but I can fix the emotional part)

But for me, as time went on, it really did just become too heavy. When Pete and I tried to use that room one morning last week for a workout and I ended up sitting on the treadmill in tears instead, I knew it had to be done sooner rather than later. It is time to accept that room won't be a baby room and change around the reminders of its planned purpose.
I got the process started with a box to give away, a bag to keep, and the trash can.

the give away box. My friend Kasia is being gifted everything. But I decided I don't feel comfortable handing off these things too early in someone else's pregnancy so it will be in storage for a bit longer while her baby starts looking "a little less like a sea monkey" (Juno reference, not commentary on what Kasia's super cute baby will look like)

So, I started pulling everything out and figuring out what was there...

Its doable. I remain thankful every day that atleast we don't have to pack up a whole nursery...
I followed a very wise friends rule that if it had not actually been Carter's (been in her presence), it gets given away. Most of the things, it was easy to do this with. The only exception to the rule was the quilt I had made for Carter's crib. I don't know what I will do with it just yet, if anything ever, but I could not give it away.
Then came the harder part. Going through all of her... belongings.

This is just a small sampling of cards since we got to a certain point of making sure we had each read them and then throwing them out. These have now been trashed too. Thank you again to everyone for their kind words during this time. But this is a pile of cards I don't want to look back on. Twice was enough.

And here it is: the part I was dreading. I was now left with everything, EVERYTHING that we had that had Carter's name on it, that she had touched, that had been given to us at the hospital. Every item of my daughter's entire lifetime. And it didn't come near anywhere filling up the gift bag set aside for these things.

So there is it, handprints, footprints, the one outfit she ever wore, a micropreemie diaper, her hospital bracelet, a blanket she used in the ICU, the blanket they wrapped her in when we saw her, every picture we have of her, her social security card, her death certificate.... A whole lifetime in a 15"x6"x18" bag.

We still have the travelbug we made for her that we intend to place in a geocache in the coming weeks. Any suggestions on where we should start, "Carter's Adventure" are welcome, there are geocaches pretty much everywhere you can imagine. Also, anyone who would like to come when we place it, let me know... it is not any sort of exclusive activity, geocaching is for everyone!

Then, as quickly as it had begun, it was done, much like our sweet little girl's life. I had to get my focus elsewhere...

so I gave the dog a bath...

and attended a family gathering.

And all in all, it was a pretty good day. And I can only expect, there are more of those to come.



Insert Scream of frustration here

I've been home from vacation for less than 24 hours and I'm already so frustrated with life.

Dear God, Peter and Lia Hall would like a little break. Just like a few weeks of the car working, both of us being physically healthy, not having money concerns, feeling secure in our jobs and having time to spend some of it with each other... Why is this SO MUCH to ask???

I'm trying to be calm, cool, collected, proactive, productive, optimistic, and not make a big deal of this because we can get through it just like EVERYTHING else, I'm just curious as to why we have to keep slogging through rather than things turning themselves around...

one woman show

So I've come to realize that I have never traveled alone before. There has always been some family member beside me... or atleast waiting on the other side.
Now I wouldn't try and say that this trip is me traveling alone... I am sharing my hotel room and atleast a little time each day with heidi. However she is here with an agenda that doesn't include me. And here I am having traveled to a completely new place with no agenda at all.
I don't mind time alone so I find it... liberating. But I have come to realize that this is a novel experience for me... being in a strange place and yet. I got up when I was ready picked breakfast. Decided to work out. Went for a little walk. Sat by the pool. Had lunch by the pool... and now after making all those decisions... I still have like 4 more hours of day to plan.
I remember when I had been in California for a few weeks while Pete was still in Colorado fall of 2009 someone suggested I take myself out on a date. I did. I took myself to lunch and a movie. It felt crazy of me!!! I said I'm fine being alone but I don't do much outside of the box while alone. When Pete is away for whatever reason: the house is always super tidy, I get a ton of reading done, and we always have more money than usual. Why? Because without Pete, I am a complete homebody!!!
So here I am, totally out of my usual realm. And I have to say... its enjoyable.

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a pleasant view

There appears to be a geocache up there. However... all those bush like objects are cacti... covered in BIG spikes. Since I am not very confident in my rock scrambling abilities post operation... I will just to pass on this one. Great view though.

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completely full schedule

Tomorrow's agenda

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airport people

So I am headed to phoenix this morning for a mini vacation before i head back to work in the next few weeks. I made my way to DIA a few hours early as heidi had an earlier flight out than mine.
I have never traveled much. In fact... even though almost every flight I have ever been on has departed from or arrived at DIA I still don't know my way around much. I can't get anywhere around the airport without reading every sign I still don't really understand the east and west terminal thing and I dont know which parking lot is cheapest.

Now let me introduce you to my mother in law heidi. She has been traveling 2-3 weeks a month for the last few years. She casually strolls into the airport without pause. The biggest drama being that her "usual spot" in the parking lot is blocked off by construction.

Being here at 8 am on a Monday in mid April has given me chance to people watch more of these... commuter fliers. An interesting segment of the population indeed.

I will keep you all updated on my travels this week but it will be from my phone so forgive any spelling or formatting errors. Hope everyone has great week 8 will be.thinking of you from my pool chair.
Cheers, Lia

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10 Great things...

1) Its a gorgeous day.

2) Pete has a training class, AKA he is up during the day. I finally got to wash our comforter today, YAY!

3) We got a stove today! I'm excited to have that last little bit of independence in us being able to buy and cook our own groceries again.

...but I do need to go buy oven cleaner...

4) I had an amazing day yesterday hanging out with a friend. I had to help paint her house, but she bought me lunch and comiserated with me. Well, we weren't really comiserating. Just nice to have someone who truly understands the suckiness.
5) I'm spending 3.5 days next week sitting by an outdoor pool in Phoenix. There may be other things to do, but I don't plan on it.
6) Got our one essential home decor item that has been everywhere with us hung up today:

and ps, our walls are not that flourescent.

7) Haven't worn materity pants all week.
8) 2 more weeks before I return to work? (fingers crossed!)
9) I got my cookbooks unpacked sometime in the last week. Yup, that must mean we are really moved in!

10) My husband, family and friends are all pretty stinkin' awesome.

real quick

Just a quick little post to say: look at the cute little rosette I made out of ribbon. Expect to see it on a finished project soon!!!

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