Grateful

I've had TWO boxes of thank you cards sitting in the hospital things since I got home last week. They aren't sitting upopened because I am ungrateful... I just haven't been able to put together the words needed to justify writing them. And I don't want to write something that sounds... well, pitiful. So, I'm going to get a little start here. At the very least, I'm throwing some thanks out into the universe, but hopefully this will get me over to those blank cards.

Memorial Hospital:
Really, I can't think of anyone we encountered that we wouldn't thank. As my grandpa said, "This is a real top notch hospital...even the valet guys are great!" But here is the start:
Dr. LaMonica: The on call perinatalogist during our weekend of hell (probably not how it should be worded in the card, eh?). Admittedly, I had seen him in a few of my high risk appointments and I was not his biggest fan... but he really came through for us in every way he could have. I had a tricky case made trickier with each passing day and with the worsening condition of pre-eclampsia, he came in and truly saved my life. A nurse pointed out how much schooling a perinatalogist has and what a speciality it is, and he spent his Sunday afternoon very carefully watching over my case and hopping right in to do an emergency c-section... Not to mention, all the nurses talked of how "beautiful" my incision looked, so there's that too... With such a scary condition and circumstances (they spoke of kidney and liver failure and brain swelling... they are issues with pre-eclampsia), I never felt the true extent of my condition. It took my dad looking at me Tuesday and saying, "No... you could have died. Its the kind of condition no one should google, because I don't think people would reproduce," to fully understand all that I had been through because through it all, I felt that I was in the hands of a top notch doctor.
Dr. Hollard: I saw Dr. Hollard during my first visit to maternal fetal medecine (the city's high risk doctors). She just happened to be doing some paperwork in her office Sunday afternoon when Dr. Lamonica couldn't convince the other on call doc to come back in for "just a c-section." He stopped by her office and asked her to assist. She walked into the O.R. and said, "You tell your on call doctor that I'm about to do this surgery in $400 boots." And she did. (Thats right folks, I had not one, but two high level super savvy perinatalogists to do "just a c-section" on me.)
Nurse Kady: Labor and Delivery nurse that came along on transport. Assured me that the phrase, "Oh the baby just fell out in the bed." was not bad (its what they say when the baby comes while the doctor is not present) ...I was wheeled past complete chaos on the way into the labor and delivery area from the ambulance and a little clarification was appreciated. Not to mention that at that point in time I FELT like I was complete chaos. Stayed on to be my nurse the rest of Friday. Answered all the moms' (is that the plural posessive of mom?) questions about my condition and drugs being administered... Even insisted that they should be asking questions and to raise hell if they ever asked questions that were not readily answered by health staff because that was suspicious. Scrubbed up for surgery assistance Sunday.
Nurse Sigrid: My night nurse the Friday and Saturday. Super cheerful and reassuring. Supplied lots of ice and barf bags. Friday night, the thermastat malfunctioned and while it was only about 75, I was boiling from the magnesium. Sigrid pretty much packed me in ice so I could sleep. Somehow didn't make me feel pathetic by saying, "Oh... you're puking again..."
Nurse Kezia: My night nurse Sunday immediately post-op. Probably one of the spunkiest people I've met, but not in the obnoxious way. Held an entertaining conversation about the dangers of being a labor and delivery nurse (Let's just explain that it ended with Pete saying, "Well, I thought I had some hazards to worry about in my job, but atleast I don't have to worry about being tricked into eating breast milk brownies...") Administered the "good drugs"." encouraged me to eat for the first time in four days because I actually felt hungry, even though I wasn't REALLY supposed to.
Nurse Nicole: My day nurse Sunday. Encouraged me to try EVERY headache remedy anyone had ever heard of to avoid surgery. Let the visitors keep coming in small quiet batches because she didn't see us being alone on such a scary day any better.
Nurse....: I had a day nurse both Saturday and Monday (the two days I was in the worse fog from magnesium) whose name I cannot remember... maybe Pete will. She was very attentive and kind and made sure I was clean and brushed my teeth (something you kinda forget to do until you are stuck in bed and REALLY want to brush). Admittedly, we called her the "mean nurse" for a bit after she came in and shooshed us. But it gave us a little laugh for my friend to say goodbye and then a little more loudly say, "Alright, the loud girl is leaving." (did I mention this friend is an RN?) On Monday, she counted down the hours with me until I could be taken off the magnesium and go up to the NICU for the first time... She was 5 minutes late, but labor and delivery nurses are known to have more pressing tasks come up suddenly...
Nurse InSook: My nighttime nurse Monday. She was Pete's favorite... There was a slight language barrier it felt like with her strong Asian accent and me still coming out of the fog left behind by the drugs. She also had to wake me up twice during the night for medication on the first night I had really been able to sleep since everything began on Thursday so she probably did not see my best side.
Nurse Karen: The finale in the stream of nurses that were in and out of my room during the process. Cried with me the first time she came into my room (Carter had just passed). Expedited my discharge from the hospital!!! Very sweet and empathetic.
Dr. Todd: fascinated us all by the amazing work the NICU does. Asnwered a TON of questions from Pete and my mom and kept our little angel going just as long as he could. Was near tears as he explained the hard turn she had taken over the night. Sat with us during the few minutes we just weren't quite ready to let go of her telling us how strong we were to have made a decision that was best for her.
NICU Nurses: we didn't have (or atleast I didn't as I only made it to the NICU twice) too much interaction with specific nurses but are very much aware of all the medical assistance our daughter received during those couple of days. They also put together her few belongings in a beautiful little memory box (someone on that ward must be a scrapbooker!). It was extra special to us because with the whirlwind of events and everything happening so quickly, we didn't have many pictures or anything to really remember her by. They took a beautiful set of photos, cast hand and footprint molds, and collected hospital bracelets, her blanket and other small items.

Friends and family:
Well, our family is vast in numbers and strong and amazing. I probably will never even know the extent of things that happened during this past week but I am definitely very grateful for all of them. Here are some of the most amazing things that happened:
my dad was in Beverly Hills for work and got a call at 8:30 am after Carter had passed. He was sitting in our kitchen with us by 1pm.
Laura (Pete's aunt) whirlwinded in action upon leaving the hospital tuesday morning and by the time I was home from the hospital there was a feast for all the loved ones who were in and out over the course of the day. When we pointed out how amazing it was, she humbly said, "Oh its just a silly little Costco buffet." Everything that woman touches turns fabulous...
Scott and Kim (Pete's dad and stepmom) flew in from the dominican republic where he was doing a conferance. Despite obligations and international flights, they also made it to us within 24 hours.
My grandma and Grandpa drove from Kansas City Sunday morning and arrived just as I was being wheeled into the O.R. My aunt also came out and was here for the memorial service.
My granddad flew out from California for the memorial service.
The rest of the family has been nothing short of amazing, from cards and hugs, shared tears, some beautfiul pieces read at the memorial to just reminding me to eat... they have certainly been our strength.

My college RA, Liz went through pre-eclampsia and the NICU experience with her daughter who is now a year and a half ish. She called, emailed, facebooked, did everything she could to get in touch with me when she heard of the situation. She even posted on her blog asking all of her friends to pray for Carter and I. Such effort from someone I have had very little contact with over the last few years was both touching and comforting.
Pete's employer: Dark Horse security. Pete just started working for this company three weeks before this all happened. Throughout the whole thing they offered him nothing but time and flexability. The office guy who does the scheduling still hadn't even met Pete but sent a message about how sorry he was for our loss and to take all the time he needed to take care of his family and not to worry about his job. Even when he tried to go back on Saturday, both the scheduling person and the owner of the company said, take two more days, we'll schedule you for monday.
My employer: Il Vicino. I've never doubted their awesomeness, but it is comforting to go through such an experience and know you need an excessive amount of time off for grief and medical recovery and to never worry about your job. My bosses sent flowers and cards to the memorial and so many servers showed up, I was kind of curious who was left to work a busy Friday night at the restaurant.
My mom's employer, Vertec Tool:  one of my mom's bosses and his wife actually came to visit me in the hospital Sunday afternoon. I was a little anxious at that point in the day so I wasn't super appreciative, but her whole company has been amazing this past week. It started with our small request to do a little engraving on a travel bug we will be sending around the world via geocache in Carter's memory... But they have gone above and beyond. Most of the employees signed a card for us and a collection was taken up to help with whatever we may need in the next couple months. They also got us a memory box to put Carter's things in and told me to pick whatever I wanted and it would be engraved how I wanted.
My ex-sister in law, Erica: the most surprising response I've received through this experience. We did not get along AT ALL while she was married to my brother... (I spent many a year referring to her as psychobimbo, or atleast, thats the g rated version). She just happened to call my mom the day everything occured and she wrote me a beautiful note enclosed in a cute little memory box with a gorgeous engraved necklace. I've worn it everyday.
Katie: an old boss turned friend, she unfortunately has some shared experience in the matter. She texts, calls or facebooks me every day. She lets me talk about how much the gross postpardum stuff sucks, particularly when there is no baby.

All of the response from my initial email and facebook note updating our friends and family has been so wonderful. I've received cards, flowers, encouraging phone calls from family friends I've only met once or twice and gotten back in touch with many friends I've been terrible about keeping in touch with. I can't say this experience is suddenly going to change my personal flaw of not calling / writing / emailing but I certainly appreciate every one of you and your thoughts and prayers during this time.

Alright, that turned long and I know I probably missed some people, but it did get my thoughts in order to reconsider those thank you cards. For those of you who do not get a specific response from Pete or I, please know that we are grateful and love you for the strength your support gives us.