Cheater Post

A women online posts these daily devotionals in reference to prenancy / infant loss. Today's was particularly good, so I'm just reposting. It sounds lazy, but you should know I scrubbed the kitchen and FINALLY finished laundry today... so I've done plenty.

Verse... “Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10


Thought for today... "The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."

Poem...
"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~Author unknown

A little something

I feel compelled to write something this evening, but have opened up blogger multiple times and come up with nothing specific to say.
I am a little sore today. It kinda just feels like after you do too many situps. There are specific twinges of pain that come and go. I think that is just the post-pardum joy of everything shrinking back where it is supposed to be.
I did the tiniest bit of sewing. But since it was to make the easiest sundress in the entire world, I finished a project in that short 35 minutes or so.

The fabric came with the top already "smocked" gathered with the stretchiness already there which was... shall we say, SUPER CONVENIENT.

So, all it took was to pressing the bottom so I could hem it properly, and sewing the two cut sides together and WHAM! new sundress. I'm headed to phoenix for a couple days in two weeks and I think this new dress of mine will come in handy. And I suppose it will get warm here in Colorado pretty soonish. Boat season is just around the corner they say. Time is passing by relatively quickly, only three more weeks of leave time... hopefully, pending doctor approval.
So that is all for tonight. Hope everyone is well.



Health vs. Wellness...

So I always... before this most recent experience, considered myself rather healthy. Pete and I enjoy active things, we eat somewhat decently, I like vegetables, I get lots of activity for my caloric intake just at my job...
Being hospitalized and all that junk was an eye opener. I still don't think we are doing too badly with how we treat our bodies, but the fibroids situation... just three short years after having three benign tumors elsewhere made me consider that perhaps my life is out of balance somewhere.
I don't aim to be the healthiest person on the planet, I'm not even sure what that would look like, nor do I have the interest to do the research and try and figure that out. However, I would like to make some small changes to improve things. Maybe it will make a difference with the fibroids and eventual surgery. I know one thing though: it surely cannot hurt.
Bad habit #1) We love a lot of activity but we tend to go too hard on our days off doing a crazy bike ride, caming trip, rock climbing, etc and then do nothing the rest of the week. I'm no fitness expert, but I know we are not contributing to our health this way.
Bad Habit #2) I actually looked at the food guide pyramid (mypyramid.gov) for the first time since its been revised the other day. Recommended fruit intake: 2 cups, recommended vegetable intake: 3 cups. Fruit I have done OKAY on but seriously? 3 cups of vegetables??? I don't think I have even approached that anytime recently. Even if you count french fries. On top of not getting the produce I need, I don't take a multi-vitamin. I sorta tried while pregnant, but that is the MOST I have ever taken one since my mom gave me a flinstones with breakfast every day (did my mom even do that? I can't remember) and it was maybe 3-4 times a week.
Bad Habit #3) I don't drink enough water. Nobody does, but I know I supplment too little water intake with too much caffeine / alcohol intake. Not great...
Bad Habit #4) I go so hard during the day that I collapse into bed at night. Bedtime routine has been nearly nonexistent in the last couple years...

So I have been starting to think about slight changes to turn these things... well not around, but just improve them.
Solution #1) gym time. I started today. Of course right now, I am starting VERY SLOWLY. I pedaled a stationary bike at 50rpm for 45 minutes today. Thats like 5 minute miles. Over the next few weeks, I have been given permission to start back swimming and stationary cycling as long as I don't go too hard, and listen to my body. Hopefully at my next post pardum visit I will be given clearance to go back to pretty normal activity but right now I continually remind myself that all of my abdominal muscles were cut through just three short weeks ago. Not to mention I was in a hopsital bed with NO movement for five days.
Solution #2) I'm going to be more conscientious of having a fruit and vegetable atleast at lunch and dinner most days of the week (we will start with a goal of 4?) Also, I do want to find a multi-vitamin because I've accepted the fact that I will probably never be a great eater... pizza just tastes better than salad and I (knock on wood) am not yet at a point in my life of having a metabolism that requires I trade in pizza for salad. In addition to a multi, I'm taking an herb called chaste tree extract. Its supposed to help balance out hormones and an experienced person recommended that it would help with fibroids... we will see.
Solution #3) I do great with water intake when I have a water bottle EVERYWHERE I go. So its time to bust that baby back out.
Solution #4) This is my most immediate solution I am working on. Its been a simple plan so far and I plan to keep it that way as it won't be long before summer nights at the restaurant have me walking in the door at 1am... or later. Before bed every night (I admit, I missed Thursday) I've been taking my herbs with a FULL glass of water (not neccessary but there's that water shortage thing right?), brushing my teeth, washing my face, using mouthwash, and putting moisturizer on my face. I don't know why this has become so hard for me to accomplish as an adult but I am working on it...

So, that's the plan. Its easy to talk big when you are off work and bored to tears (not usually literally to tears, but you know) so we will just work on creating the best habits I can before I head back to the restaurant. There is some crap about it taking 21 days to create a habit and it just so happens I have AT LEAST 21 days left of my leave time. I'm not sure I believe it can happen that quickly, but then again, I can't think of a specific habit I have wanted to make that I stuck with for 21 days.

Handmade in 3 hours

So, I realize rather abruptly LATE last night that my best friend's birthday is today. I'm not typically GREAT with remembering birthdays, but thank you facebook, I can usually keep track of my closest friends and family and have some warning. As of late, the formerly somewhat poor ability has gone out the window... (Three of my four nephews had birthdays this week, I GOT gifts but still haven't even gotten their addresses so I can go to post office and mail.)

Moving right along with my story though, I wake up... well, this afternoon and start talking with Pete about what we will do for said great friend's birthday. Then comes the birthday present conversation. I say, "OH! I can make her like a cute little bag or something." Pete says, "Won't that take a little while?" I confidently respond, "A couple hours maybe..."
So I get dressed and its off to the fabric store... PS, its already after 2. We wander around trying to find the perfect fabric. Pete finds it. So we gather everything we need and head out. Its now 3. We are not 5 miles down the road when friend calls and says, "Hey you should come hang out!!!" He explains that we have a couple hours of "chores" to do but would love to and will call when we are on our way.
Well, I have had a check sitting at work for 2 weeks now and we are in a spot where we needed to pick it up. So we head downtown. I get my check, we turn around and drive back towards our house on the north end of town. We make a quick stop for lunch. Its now 4:15.

So I get right to work once we get home. And apparently my sewing this past week and a half has paid off because I made good time! We were leaving for the birthday celebration by about 6:30! Now I know you are all just dying to hear the fabulous fabric choice Pete made, so here is a picture of the final product.

Uh, yeah... tootsie pops! It came out great and our friend loved it. She is trying to convince me to get on etsy. I think its possible, but am still kinda looking into it, I'd never even heard of etsy.com until a couple months ago.

Well I think tomorrow I'm headed off to help build props and make costumes for Aunt Amy's upcoming dance school's recital. (Its the wizard of oz, earlier this week I helped make tinman costumes) Have a great weekend everyone!

Just this:

Someone just posted a quote on the pregnancy loss forum that has brought the most comfort of anything.

Throughout all of my reading on that forum I have sometimes struggled with "being in the same situation" as women who have miscarried at 6, 8, even 10 weeks. I think about how I was still kinda getting my mind around the whole situation at that point. Oh, we definitely would have been sad, and I feel for women in that situation as well... but sometimes, it is hard to imagine that we are mourning the same thing.

And then I remind myself, as horrible as our situation was: we got to meet Carter. We got to sign her birth certificate and imagine her life and hold her and kiss her, marvel at her teeny tiny hands and feet.... And as terrible as I feel now, that little time with her was pretty sweet. I want to continue to focus on THAT more because when I think about the strength it took that tiny little doll to spend even such little time with us, it makes me feel pretty invincible. And that is a feeling we could all use.

"Don't cry because it's over, Smile because it happened." ~Unknown

A break from the sewing, but still crafting

I didn't get much sewing done today. I had to tackle the laundry monster growing in piles all over our appartment. You know its gotten out of control when you've been off work for almost three weeks and are still finding work uniforms in the dirty pile.
When I finally clicked on the machine, it was just for a quick mend of Pete's work uniform. Nothing exciting. And then I was off to hang with my mom, aunt, and grandma.
Tonight, we were off to "Color Me Mine." Its one of those paint your own pottery shops. My mom and I have been talking about doing it for almost a year since I went with another bunch of people. It was fun. I had a hard time getting the creative energy flowing, but after a couple laps around the store trying to decide just what item to paint, it came to me.
I painted a margarita glass. I imagined the stem of the glass as the stem of a flower and went from there. My artistic abilities when it comes to flowers are pretty limited (daisy and sunflower in any given color) so it was nothing fancy, but it turned out pretty cute. Here are the pictures from finishing the painting. The colors are pretty subdued because the glaze dries really powdery, it will be a bit brighter after its fired.

There is the outside.... and from the inside, it looks like this:

The shop wil spray everything with a clear glaze and fire it so it will be bright and shiny... and ready in about a week. I'll have to post the complete finished pictures when I get it.

Today was two weeks to the day since Carter passed. That made it a little difficult of a day. Physically I am healing pretty well. I've been sore the last couple of days just from the bruising involved in such a major surgery but that is starting to fade and I will be ready to start going for short walks and light indoor cycling (no spinning yet :( but soon hopefully) in the next couple of days. I've added slightly more physical activity to my day by comitting to an hour of tidying / organizing our house and atleast a load of laundry a day. Today, just sorting the laundry and putting away the last loads we washed was most of that hour. But by sorting the laundry and getting it all ready in the laundry room, I got the bedroom pretty close to clean at the same time. I even changed the sheets!
Emotionally, we are getting through. I know I wrestle with my emotions each and every day. For the most part, there is still little guilt because I know we did the right thing for her. But, the anger and sadness just don't disappear. And there are certain unavoidable things that trigger both. This makes me feel like maybe I can't handle the world and frankly, some days I can't. But a little at a time, a little more each day, we keep getting by.

A fabulous new handbag and attempted Indian food

Well, I finished up sewing project number 3 today. I gave you all a preview last week with the pieces pre-assembly but it really turned out even better than I imagined.
So... without any further bragging, here it is!

Its the biggest bag I've ever had, purse-wise... and now that I'm not carrying around pretty much a full sack lunch all the time like I was while pregnant, I'm not exactly sure what I will put in it, but I'm confident I can figure it out. I'm thinking a kindle... so I always have reading material at my fingertips... (Pete and I browsed best buy today and I've been dropping hints ever since. However, the birthday is still months away)
I did kind of... change up the pattern a bit. And successfully. On the front of the bag, the original instructions just called for the "O-ring" to cross over from the other side and hang. While the weight of the ring did mean it would easily stay like that, it just didn't seem very secure. So, I used two rings instead and fashioned it like those belts we all had atleast one of as kids...

Notice my fancy stitching on the ribbon?? Yep, that is all the sewing machine. I'm not that talented. I just programmed in stitch number 63 and out it came. I barely had to guide the fabric (hence why if you looked carefully, it is a little crooked) I used the same technique to stitch the webbing and ribbon together for the side strap...

So, there you have it! Yard number 3 of fabric used. Next up I am taking a break from the book to help Pete's aunt Amy with dance recital costumes and improve our laundry bags.

In other news, I tried to make lamb vindaloo last night. It is Pete's favorite favorite thing in the whole world and he's been asking to try to make it at home for a while. I used a recipe from Indianfood.com. Seemed like a reasonably credible place to get an Indian food recipe... The result was tasty but nothing like vindaloo. So, the search continues for a proper recipe. What we made definitely had the right combination of spices as there is still a strong and distinct Indian food smell lingering throughout the house. Thankfully, its a warm enough day to leave the windows open!

The curious case of the never will's...

Today was a a little harder than some.  This morning I picked up Carter's remains. It was another thing that had me hyperventalating the whole way up to doing it, but turned out to be a little easier than I imagined. I mostly held it together. And now, she is home and while its certainly not the way we originally imagined her coming home, its something.
Pete used a phrase today that got me thinking... well, not really. It summed up what this whole experience feels like. He told me "...And I just got into a dark place and started thinking about a lot of never wills...."
Thats what makes me feel like someone has punched me in the gut every time I see a baby or pregnant person. Its what made me feel like I was being stabbed to come home today and see signs about a baby shower happening in the house across the street. I know things are not to the extent that we should defer to use of the word "never," but the timeline sure is a whole lot different than we thought.
We won't be parents in a few months. We won't be celebrating our baby's first Christmas this year. For me, thats the big one I dread. I know there is an extra stocking in the decoration box we won't need. And I bought a couple kid's christmas classic books, excited about reading all the favorites to her.
This pregnancy was so stressful and ful of constant doubts that we never spent a lot of time talking about our hopes for our child. Especially since Pete so wanted a boy... ;) When other people brought them up, we would say, "lets just get her home first..." or with things that were farther in the future, "Doesn't she have to learn to walk first?" Anything to try and end the conversation. But that doesn't mean we weren't thinking about Aunt Amy's baby ballerina classes, swim lessons, pee-wee sports, and daddy's first "interview" of a first date.
Doctors are still speaking as if we will be more successful after I have... another major abdominal surgery, this one to remove the fibroids. But that just makes things so much farther into the future, so much more pain, so many more "what-ifs," and that is when the never will's return to the forefront of your mind.
I really want to keep saying "eventually" and "someday" and "it will happen" but frankly, I just worry that at a certain point hope becomes unrealistic optimism and crossing over to that would just make the future more devastating.

Sew-topia

For Christmas this year, Pete got me a wonderful sewing machine. Admittedly, I picked it out... something about a row of sewing machine models is overwhelming for my macho man husband. And it was kind of fair that way since his Christmas gift was a new pistol and I definitely didn't have the slightest clue about picking one of those out!
I had done a few projects on it around my days off and had many plans for future projects. Unfortunately, many of those project ideas were small... you know infant sized. So, last week when Pete set up my sewing machine and asked for some improvements to his work uniform, I had a little outburst. "I didn't want a sewing machine to fix your uniform!" I told him. "I wanted it to sew baby things!!!!"
So, we were off to Michaels arts and crafts to redirect my attention elsewhere. And I found this cool project book.

I was a little skeptical about how many projects I would be interested in doing with only one yard of fabric. But after quickly flipping through, realized I wouldn't mind making MOST of the projects in this book. I focused my creative engergies by asking the moms what they would like made. They both picked the same apron. The project had a few techniques I'd never tried before (as most of my sewing knowledge comes from 6th grade home economics and what I remember from that is limited). So the first time around involved a little seam ripping, a couple extra seams and snips, but it turned out pretty great none the less.

I gifted this one away to my mother in law Heidi, and started on number 2. It went a little quicker as I had mostly figured out what I was doing.

Its a little bit harder to see the detail since the colors are all so similar, but this one has purple trim and ribbons but other than that, is quite the same as the other. This one went off to mom's, I'm sure she will be all sorts of stylin' in her wilton cake decorating classes now.
I'm enjoying sewing because it requires enough focus to keep me from thinking about everything else too much. But there is a rhythm and monotonous-ness about it. So, next up is a project for me...

This is the picture from the book. A cute little handbag. I walked through the whole fabric store trying to find the perfect springy fabric. Here is the what I found.

A cute little black and white print with bright pink straps. I've got some light colored fabric for the inside so I will even have half a yard left over for another project! So for now, its back to the sewing machine for some more cutting, pinning, and putting back together.  I will let you know how it all comes together, but I'm feeling increasingly confident with my skills...

Limiting the hard tasks

There are a ton of decisions to make as a parent. Surprisingly, that number doesn't go down by much even if you are only a parent for two days. Pete and I have toughed our way through decisions we never imagined making in the past two weeks. But we've been trying to keep the number of tasks and decisions to make limited per day.
I like to think we've made some of the hardest already with the very sudden peaceful death vs. life support failing, what to do with her remains, how to memorialize her... but those came easier than expected. In fact, those are all decisions that I don't worry about regretting.
Up and coming we have the seemingly smaller things... but they don't get less emotional. We still have to pick up her remains, they should be ready any day now. We still have to go through her little closet, deciding what we keep, what we pass on, who can use the things we have, etc. There is a very good possibility we will be back at Memorial hospital sometime during our lives and I'm not psyched about that (my first postpardem visit was monday and had to be done at the hospital. I'll let you guess how many times I cried... lets just say it wasn't great even though the appointment was positive and I am healing phsycially)

Today, I would be 27 weeks pregnant. I point this out because its led me to today's hard thing: hitting unsubscribe on the various pregnancy and parenting newsletters I've been receiving in my email box so that hopefully by next Thursday, I won't have to be reminded that I should be 28 weeks pregnant.

And then I am going to sew the whole day away. I find it to be a wonderful daily task because it takes me too much focus to be able to think about much else while I am working on a project. Tomorrow I'll post the couple of projects I've been working on this week. Its also beautiful out, so i think I will sit on the patio and weakly toss the ball off the deck for Ursa for a while.
Hope everyone has a great day!

Grateful

I've had TWO boxes of thank you cards sitting in the hospital things since I got home last week. They aren't sitting upopened because I am ungrateful... I just haven't been able to put together the words needed to justify writing them. And I don't want to write something that sounds... well, pitiful. So, I'm going to get a little start here. At the very least, I'm throwing some thanks out into the universe, but hopefully this will get me over to those blank cards.

Memorial Hospital:
Really, I can't think of anyone we encountered that we wouldn't thank. As my grandpa said, "This is a real top notch hospital...even the valet guys are great!" But here is the start:
Dr. LaMonica: The on call perinatalogist during our weekend of hell (probably not how it should be worded in the card, eh?). Admittedly, I had seen him in a few of my high risk appointments and I was not his biggest fan... but he really came through for us in every way he could have. I had a tricky case made trickier with each passing day and with the worsening condition of pre-eclampsia, he came in and truly saved my life. A nurse pointed out how much schooling a perinatalogist has and what a speciality it is, and he spent his Sunday afternoon very carefully watching over my case and hopping right in to do an emergency c-section... Not to mention, all the nurses talked of how "beautiful" my incision looked, so there's that too... With such a scary condition and circumstances (they spoke of kidney and liver failure and brain swelling... they are issues with pre-eclampsia), I never felt the true extent of my condition. It took my dad looking at me Tuesday and saying, "No... you could have died. Its the kind of condition no one should google, because I don't think people would reproduce," to fully understand all that I had been through because through it all, I felt that I was in the hands of a top notch doctor.
Dr. Hollard: I saw Dr. Hollard during my first visit to maternal fetal medecine (the city's high risk doctors). She just happened to be doing some paperwork in her office Sunday afternoon when Dr. Lamonica couldn't convince the other on call doc to come back in for "just a c-section." He stopped by her office and asked her to assist. She walked into the O.R. and said, "You tell your on call doctor that I'm about to do this surgery in $400 boots." And she did. (Thats right folks, I had not one, but two high level super savvy perinatalogists to do "just a c-section" on me.)
Nurse Kady: Labor and Delivery nurse that came along on transport. Assured me that the phrase, "Oh the baby just fell out in the bed." was not bad (its what they say when the baby comes while the doctor is not present) ...I was wheeled past complete chaos on the way into the labor and delivery area from the ambulance and a little clarification was appreciated. Not to mention that at that point in time I FELT like I was complete chaos. Stayed on to be my nurse the rest of Friday. Answered all the moms' (is that the plural posessive of mom?) questions about my condition and drugs being administered... Even insisted that they should be asking questions and to raise hell if they ever asked questions that were not readily answered by health staff because that was suspicious. Scrubbed up for surgery assistance Sunday.
Nurse Sigrid: My night nurse the Friday and Saturday. Super cheerful and reassuring. Supplied lots of ice and barf bags. Friday night, the thermastat malfunctioned and while it was only about 75, I was boiling from the magnesium. Sigrid pretty much packed me in ice so I could sleep. Somehow didn't make me feel pathetic by saying, "Oh... you're puking again..."
Nurse Kezia: My night nurse Sunday immediately post-op. Probably one of the spunkiest people I've met, but not in the obnoxious way. Held an entertaining conversation about the dangers of being a labor and delivery nurse (Let's just explain that it ended with Pete saying, "Well, I thought I had some hazards to worry about in my job, but atleast I don't have to worry about being tricked into eating breast milk brownies...") Administered the "good drugs"." encouraged me to eat for the first time in four days because I actually felt hungry, even though I wasn't REALLY supposed to.
Nurse Nicole: My day nurse Sunday. Encouraged me to try EVERY headache remedy anyone had ever heard of to avoid surgery. Let the visitors keep coming in small quiet batches because she didn't see us being alone on such a scary day any better.
Nurse....: I had a day nurse both Saturday and Monday (the two days I was in the worse fog from magnesium) whose name I cannot remember... maybe Pete will. She was very attentive and kind and made sure I was clean and brushed my teeth (something you kinda forget to do until you are stuck in bed and REALLY want to brush). Admittedly, we called her the "mean nurse" for a bit after she came in and shooshed us. But it gave us a little laugh for my friend to say goodbye and then a little more loudly say, "Alright, the loud girl is leaving." (did I mention this friend is an RN?) On Monday, she counted down the hours with me until I could be taken off the magnesium and go up to the NICU for the first time... She was 5 minutes late, but labor and delivery nurses are known to have more pressing tasks come up suddenly...
Nurse InSook: My nighttime nurse Monday. She was Pete's favorite... There was a slight language barrier it felt like with her strong Asian accent and me still coming out of the fog left behind by the drugs. She also had to wake me up twice during the night for medication on the first night I had really been able to sleep since everything began on Thursday so she probably did not see my best side.
Nurse Karen: The finale in the stream of nurses that were in and out of my room during the process. Cried with me the first time she came into my room (Carter had just passed). Expedited my discharge from the hospital!!! Very sweet and empathetic.
Dr. Todd: fascinated us all by the amazing work the NICU does. Asnwered a TON of questions from Pete and my mom and kept our little angel going just as long as he could. Was near tears as he explained the hard turn she had taken over the night. Sat with us during the few minutes we just weren't quite ready to let go of her telling us how strong we were to have made a decision that was best for her.
NICU Nurses: we didn't have (or atleast I didn't as I only made it to the NICU twice) too much interaction with specific nurses but are very much aware of all the medical assistance our daughter received during those couple of days. They also put together her few belongings in a beautiful little memory box (someone on that ward must be a scrapbooker!). It was extra special to us because with the whirlwind of events and everything happening so quickly, we didn't have many pictures or anything to really remember her by. They took a beautiful set of photos, cast hand and footprint molds, and collected hospital bracelets, her blanket and other small items.

Friends and family:
Well, our family is vast in numbers and strong and amazing. I probably will never even know the extent of things that happened during this past week but I am definitely very grateful for all of them. Here are some of the most amazing things that happened:
my dad was in Beverly Hills for work and got a call at 8:30 am after Carter had passed. He was sitting in our kitchen with us by 1pm.
Laura (Pete's aunt) whirlwinded in action upon leaving the hospital tuesday morning and by the time I was home from the hospital there was a feast for all the loved ones who were in and out over the course of the day. When we pointed out how amazing it was, she humbly said, "Oh its just a silly little Costco buffet." Everything that woman touches turns fabulous...
Scott and Kim (Pete's dad and stepmom) flew in from the dominican republic where he was doing a conferance. Despite obligations and international flights, they also made it to us within 24 hours.
My grandma and Grandpa drove from Kansas City Sunday morning and arrived just as I was being wheeled into the O.R. My aunt also came out and was here for the memorial service.
My granddad flew out from California for the memorial service.
The rest of the family has been nothing short of amazing, from cards and hugs, shared tears, some beautfiul pieces read at the memorial to just reminding me to eat... they have certainly been our strength.

My college RA, Liz went through pre-eclampsia and the NICU experience with her daughter who is now a year and a half ish. She called, emailed, facebooked, did everything she could to get in touch with me when she heard of the situation. She even posted on her blog asking all of her friends to pray for Carter and I. Such effort from someone I have had very little contact with over the last few years was both touching and comforting.
Pete's employer: Dark Horse security. Pete just started working for this company three weeks before this all happened. Throughout the whole thing they offered him nothing but time and flexability. The office guy who does the scheduling still hadn't even met Pete but sent a message about how sorry he was for our loss and to take all the time he needed to take care of his family and not to worry about his job. Even when he tried to go back on Saturday, both the scheduling person and the owner of the company said, take two more days, we'll schedule you for monday.
My employer: Il Vicino. I've never doubted their awesomeness, but it is comforting to go through such an experience and know you need an excessive amount of time off for grief and medical recovery and to never worry about your job. My bosses sent flowers and cards to the memorial and so many servers showed up, I was kind of curious who was left to work a busy Friday night at the restaurant.
My mom's employer, Vertec Tool:  one of my mom's bosses and his wife actually came to visit me in the hospital Sunday afternoon. I was a little anxious at that point in the day so I wasn't super appreciative, but her whole company has been amazing this past week. It started with our small request to do a little engraving on a travel bug we will be sending around the world via geocache in Carter's memory... But they have gone above and beyond. Most of the employees signed a card for us and a collection was taken up to help with whatever we may need in the next couple months. They also got us a memory box to put Carter's things in and told me to pick whatever I wanted and it would be engraved how I wanted.
My ex-sister in law, Erica: the most surprising response I've received through this experience. We did not get along AT ALL while she was married to my brother... (I spent many a year referring to her as psychobimbo, or atleast, thats the g rated version). She just happened to call my mom the day everything occured and she wrote me a beautiful note enclosed in a cute little memory box with a gorgeous engraved necklace. I've worn it everyday.
Katie: an old boss turned friend, she unfortunately has some shared experience in the matter. She texts, calls or facebooks me every day. She lets me talk about how much the gross postpardum stuff sucks, particularly when there is no baby.

All of the response from my initial email and facebook note updating our friends and family has been so wonderful. I've received cards, flowers, encouraging phone calls from family friends I've only met once or twice and gotten back in touch with many friends I've been terrible about keeping in touch with. I can't say this experience is suddenly going to change my personal flaw of not calling / writing / emailing but I certainly appreciate every one of you and your thoughts and prayers during this time.

Alright, that turned long and I know I probably missed some people, but it did get my thoughts in order to reconsider those thank you cards. For those of you who do not get a specific response from Pete or I, please know that we are grateful and love you for the strength your support gives us.

Still standing... but only for short periods

With recent events, I've decided that I just need a place to write and not such a specific subject matter. Being on medical leave from work for the next six weeks means I need a few outlets and there is definitely a lot on my mind as of late.
As a kid, I remember meeting another child who casually mentioned that they would have had an older sister, but she died as a baby (maybe it was a brother, maybe it was younger... It is something I haven't thought of until now). I remember being completely... weirded out by this. I place this memory around earlier elementary school when so many subjects are kinda taboo but I still look back and think, "How strange that I just randomly remember this about a schoolmate whose specific name or face don't even come to mind?" As children, it is weird that another child with a similar background is so comfortable with a subject that you have no experience of. After a week of people comforting me, I am starting to realize that probably MOST only children in this country are just miracles of science that their siblings didn't have the benefit of, or simply that science wasn't enough of a miracle for those siblings. This is a difficult concept for me to put together. We have ENDLESS miracles in the science field. Babies born later than 25 weeks gestationally have a NINETY PERCENT survival rate. Read "What to expect when you are expecting," the number of functions that should be developing in the womb beyond this period in pregnancy are vast. Yet, I personally know someone who spent 12 weeks in the NICU with her child that was born just under 2 pounds and super early. Yet, here we are and every one of us of "childbearing age" seem to know someone who has experienced the pain of miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss... Its a tease. That is how I felt last tuesday morning when the Doctor came to my room to explain that Carter just wasn't strong enough. Just wasn't as strong as a 25 week old baby should be. This is even more heartbreaking to me because Carter was more than a 25 week old baby. They had just adjusted my due date because she was measuring so small through the whole pregnancy. She was this little miracle in that I shouldn't have been able to pregnant at all with all the fibroids I have... but her short life was all the strength and all the miracle she had in her.
Pete's grandma said the words to me that have been swirling around in my head as the most comforting and most heartbreaking... She told me to realize that my child was SO perfect that God brought her home to heaven before she had to deal with any of the trials and troubles of this world that the rest of us must endure. I guess in the perception of the soul, it should remain just purely comforting, because it is a beautful thought. But, I am of this world and think in terms of the body... so I just keep thinking that had Carter been so perfect, wouldn't she still be here?
Part of me wants to throw in the towel. To snuggle with my nephews a little more often and just accept that some women don't have children and it probably isn't any less fulfilling of a life. I think to myself, my job is pretty cool, my husband is awesome, so is the rest of my family, I have hobbies and interests outside of those things that can fill my free time...
But most of me, the deep, dark stubborn part that all of my loved ones have seen for some reason or another wants to make this modern science crap everyone speaks so highly of work for me. That part of me has the next few years planned out around the neccessary surgery and recovery time based on the slow periods in the restaurant, wants to start putting money into savings even though income is limited and medical bills are about to start coming in the mail...
I guess the only thing that is keeping me from committing to one or the other, is I would really like to be able to look at one option and think, "that takes less strength and faith, so that is what I will do." That is really how I wish I could weigh the options because while I am surprised at my strength and faith every day, I just fear it may run out.

"Bring and Row... Bring a boat
The gods lift us up
Then let go...
We fall into the water
Where the river will flow
So bring a boat, a paddle,
And a will to Row." ~Cosy Sheridan