I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend/ You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in/ And if you do not want to see me again/ I would understand, I would understand/ The angry boy, a bit too insane/ Icing over a secret pain/ You know you don't belong
You're the first to fight/ You're way too loud/ You're the flash of light on a burial shroud/ I know something's wrong
Well, everyone I know has got a reason/ To say put the past away
Wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend/You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in/ And if you do not want to see me again/ I would understand, I would understand
And well, he's on the table/ And he's gone to code/ And I do not think anyone knows/ What they are doing here
And your friends have left you/ You've been dismissed/ I never thought it would come to this/ And I, I want you to know
Everyone's got to face down the demons/ Maybe today we can put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend/ You could cut ties with all the lies/ That you've been living in and if you do not want to see me again/ I would understand, I would understand, I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
Understand
Can you put the past away?/ I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend/ I would understand
I've always liked this song but in more recent past, I've enjoyed it because it reminds me of the movie, "Yes Man." I enjoy the premise of this simple Jim Carrey flick because I think it holds some truth, We move so fast through life that I do think we get busy saying no and miss out on things we would have really enjoyed. But thats another subject entirely. The scene where this song comes up in the movie involves Jim Carrey's character happening upon a complete stranger who is standing at a window ledge threatening to jump. A huge crowd watches from below. Cut to Jim Carrey suddenly in the room behind this man holding a guitar (earlier in the movie, Carrey says "yes" to guitar lessons.) He begins to sing and play along to this Third Eye Blind song.
Slowly, the crowd joins in and by the end of the song, the man has "stepped back from that ledge my friend," and is safely away from suicide as the first responders start to show up.
Its totally silly. The idea that a complete stranger can end up a spectator in such a situation and do anything, let alone save the man's life seems ridiculous.
But I would suggest that it only seems ridiculous because most of us would not have the guts to attempt such a feat.
So... this stream of consciousness during my commute compels me to share with you someone who has done just this for me.
Let me interrupt myself to say that, despite all that the last 11 months or so has involved... I have not been close to suicide. Having started with such a powerful song, I feel compelled to assure you that is not how close of a comparison we are making here. So anyway...
Many people have done much to "make me feel better." Everything from pedicures, to new outfits, to chocolate, to cards, to emails, to phone calls.... from every part of the spectrum: family I live with to people I haven't seen in 5+years.
But there have been a few specific things that have helped the most.
A) Kati. There have been many mentions of Kati in the past and someday there will have to be an Ode to this amazing woman because she is purely amazing...
B) A couple of our regulars at the restaurant who have offered insight far beyond their full knowledge of the situation. But one in particular. I have (er, had, she is currently not employed with us, though the chance of her returning is high) an employee who has a family. Haha, they all have a family, but this particular young lady has a particular family who visits us regularly. They come in after they run the Jack Quin's 5k most Tuesday nights with a whole case of characters. We refer to the whole table as ______'s family, though only a few of them are actually related to her. They celebrated with me when they found out I was having a girl. They encouraged the busser to feed me all sorts of treats because I was too small for how far along I was. And they offered a sympathetic ear when I admitted that I had kept my pregnancy a secret from the staff for much longer than I expected because things were not looking up.
So it wasn't a huge surprise when one of the cards we received at the funeral was signed, "Much love, the X family, (especially _____ [my server])
But returning to work was made just as much a treat by this particular family's hugs and encouraging words. And then my server's aunt pulled me aside.
She said, with tears in her eyes, "My heart just broke when I heard what happened. I know things were never looking great, but you always hope for the best... and this is just... horrible. I really... I really had a hard time because... well, I had two losses. Much earlier on, but its never easy. And I have to tell you... after the second, I considered suicide. I never knew what was harder: to feel so alone with such intense pain... or to open your eyes and realize you are not the only one. I'm so sorry for your loss."
I have to say, through all the... words and cards and hugs and tears... much has been said about what I should be feeling... or what I could be feeling, or what was okay to feel. The grief counselor told me that I should give myself grace. Because whatever I was feeling, it was okay. This was great.
But nothing legitimized my grief like talking with this woman who merely comes in weekly for a glass of wine and sometimes a salad. Something about a woman you hardly know saying, "I sort of get it and I can imagine your pain and I did much worse with it..." That really brings out the desire to step back from that ledge. To continue celebrating on the good days but accept the bad days.
C) My friend Kasia is fabulous. On Mother's Day, she posted this blog (I've cut some of it down):
Lia bo bia
from the start, we hit it off as co workers in the fabulous world of Banquet Serving.
she met this cute boy named Peter, and they got hitched, and I got to wear a pretty dress and dance and drink at their wedding.
and one day, she was just living her life and then BAM her body was like "oh yea, that being healthy thing? we're over it." so she endured painful test after painful test to find out *thankfully* that everything was fine. But, it really sucked. AND because she was still in Ft Collins at the time, so I didn't even get to bring her soup.
so she pushes on and becomes this amazing cook, moves like a hundred million times
then she moves into the Briarhood with exciting news. But hopes were dashed, dreams were crushed
She is the most amazing, strong woman I know that has been given so many obstacles and has leaped over them,
In the midst of her pain and suffering, she is still celebrating with us.
And even after some major medical hurdles, she could probably still kick my butt on a bicycle. she has serious skills.
She makes amazing delicious healthy food and has a marriage stronger than most are after 10 years.
She also planned a wedding in like, no time flat, and it was BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT.
She also was the reason that I have had the best chocolate martini ever.
This is for Lia, a true champion woman, who is an inspiration to all-especially me. Her strength, faith, and humor through continual downfalls is uplifting. And I hope she sees how wonderful she is!
I'm not posting this so you can all comment, "Ohhh, its so true!" because a lot of days, I read this post and think, "What Lia Bo Bia does she know, because she cannot be talking about me!" (Seriously, all blog comments trying to convince me of truth to these statements will not be published) she met this cute boy named Peter, and they got hitched, and I got to wear a pretty dress and dance and drink at their wedding.
and one day, she was just living her life and then BAM her body was like "oh yea, that being healthy thing? we're over it." so she endured painful test after painful test to find out *thankfully* that everything was fine. But, it really sucked. AND because she was still in Ft Collins at the time, so I didn't even get to bring her soup.
so she pushes on and becomes this amazing cook, moves like a hundred million times
then she moves into the Briarhood with exciting news. But hopes were dashed, dreams were crushed
She is the most amazing, strong woman I know that has been given so many obstacles and has leaped over them,
In the midst of her pain and suffering, she is still celebrating with us.
And even after some major medical hurdles, she could probably still kick my butt on a bicycle. she has serious skills.
She makes amazing delicious healthy food and has a marriage stronger than most are after 10 years.
She also planned a wedding in like, no time flat, and it was BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT.
She also was the reason that I have had the best chocolate martini ever.
This is for Lia, a true champion woman, who is an inspiration to all-especially me. Her strength, faith, and humor through continual downfalls is uplifting. And I hope she sees how wonderful she is!
But I read this and I think besides all that "Lia is fantastic" crap, its a pretty good summary of the last 6 years or so. And all that other stuff about me... well, I just call it a goal. I don't feel I am all of those things, but I sure would like to be. But sometimes, when I am having a day when I feel like I am being a horrible person for feeling the way I do, I open up this post... And I think... someone already thinks that about me... I can do that. So I keep striving for that.
As I write this, I am watching "Hope Floats" on TV. Its a silly romance about a woman who finds out her husband is having an affair with her best friend via being on a "Jerry Springer" like talk show. She then moves home to small town Texas where all sorts of things happen. (read again, it is a romance.)
Early on though, her mother asks what she was thinking going on that trashy talk show (she had been told she was going in order to get a makeover).
So she tells her mama, "I don't know! I just wanted a free makeover!!!!" And her mama replies, "Well you got a free makeover all right. Just a different kind."
Isn't this what significant incidents in life always are? Everything that happens to us just shapes us, makes us over. I'm a different person than I was a year ago... even just 6 months ago. But I don't think its just recent baby loss mama's who can say that. Everyone goes through life... good and bad and nobody can go through it and remain the same. I like that, "Oh you got a free makeover all right."
Yes, I did. But I expected my free makeover to involve breastfeeding and diapers and midnight cries and so on and so forth. But it didn't. It involved painkillers, and tears, and kleenex and meetings at a funeral home, and so on so forth. Its been a different type of makeover. But one none the less. I am not the same.
So... there are many things, small and large that get me through.
Not everyone is so poetic and perfect with their timing. Things have been said to me in an effort to comfort that have instead upset. Again bringing up the silly movie I am watching...
So the main character is back in this tiny little town... and everyone knows she just found out about her husband's affair on national television. And everyone has their various strategies to comfort... One former classmate says, "Oh... and to do that to you on national television... we have satelite so we saw it twice, once mountain time and once central... OH YOU POOR THING!!!" Sometimes people say DUMB THINGS. In this case, I do not think anyone has meant to upset or be anything less than wonderful... but it comes across as... less that that.
One of my servers told me not to worry because she felt that people had babies when they were meant to have babies. Forgive my imperfections for not reacting well to my 22 year old server with two perfect children after two perfect pregnancies who constantly complains about her husband and makes minimum wage telling me that people have children when they are "meant to".
So... here is a link to a pretty complete do's and don't's website... Because I'll be honest while I may be doing "better" my grief is not less. I am not less sensitive. I do not miss my baby less. I've survived 4+ months, but the majority of the time, it only feels like that, surviving. Certainly not thriving. http://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/helping.html
So there you have it... getting by 101 with Lia.
I love that song, "Make you feel my Love." Most recently, it was re-sung by Adele and I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT.
Forget the lost love aspect this song is "supposed" to have. If you've ever been anything close to be a parent, you can imagine what I mean. I don't see it about lost love at all. "I'd go hungry, I'd go black and Blue...." yes, this is what that parent child bond (and tons of hormones at first) does to us. "I know you haven't made your mind up yet... But I would never do you wrong..." That is more what is was like with Carter. For every joyful moment (or almost every), there was a scary one. From the ultrasound technician who almost sounded angry when he said, "How did you get pregnant?" to the multiple ER visits to the amniocentesis... for every hope we had for our precious little girl's life, there was a doctor's prognosis to dash it. And I went hungry and sick and tired and black and blue and near dead... and there was never any doubt in my mind where she did belong. But that is where she is not.
So, lastly, after blabbing on for hours (and you are still reading faithful few!), I will just leave you with this. The lyrics from "Smile" by Lyle Lovett
Smile, though your heart is aching.
Smile, even though it's breaking.
Though there are clouds in the sky,
you get by...
If you smile through your fears and sorrows.
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through.
If you just light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever, ever so near.
That's the time you must keep on trying.
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find life is worthwhile
If you'll just smile, come on and smile.
If you just smile.
Cheers! LiA
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