Four months I never thought I would survive.

Four months ago today, we held our precious Carter Marie for the last time. For the first time. For the only time. It was the one time we were complete as a family (and if you want to get technical, we weren't because our dog is very much a part of our family and dogs are not allowed in the hospital). And from now on, there is no way to illustrate the incompleteness that is felt by a family grieving their child. Someone told me about how some families who have suffered baby loss always include a stuffed animal or some related symbol in family photos and such. It is a nice thought. Its one I have considered. One I have not completely decided on one way or another. I see how it is an acknowledgment of the lost member of our family. However... there is no stuffed animal that will fill the hole in our hearts. There is no symbol strategically placed in a picture that will remind people, "Oh they still suffer from grief."

And so, from there, all that is left is moving on as best we can. So, despite the dark sounding title, this post is mostly an update on all things of the Hall family. We've been camping, crafting, working, hiking, biking, etc etc etc.

We did something with $7??? It must have been something cool or unique because I felt we needed to take a picture... though I did not take a picture of what the $7 was spent on. But, this brings me to a significant portion of my update. In our grief, we spent too much money just to try and feel better... and then we tried to spend none at all because I was away from work and $$ got tight. We are still trying to find the balance I would say.

We've made some amazing dinners. Stuffed portabellos and a fondue night to name a few. (Sorry, I cannot turn the photos correctly, I'm technically lame) For a while, food was an overwhelming task for me. Picking it, preparing it, enjoying it... it was all too much. And when your taste buds go from hypersensitive from pregnancy to non exisitent from grief, its all you can do to convince yourself you are not eating cardboard every meal. Its slowly coming back. I still get overwhelmed at meal planning sometimes. But Peter is happy to help. :)

We went camping. It snowed. Ursa hid in the tent. The boys climbed trees and shot targets. I cooked over a fire and read. It was deserted with the storm and wonderful. 

Peter works a lot. Overnight. He's tired a lot... as seen in this photo... (I think the shade of yellow of our walls that comes out in photos makes people look more deathly too though) The company he works for is thriving and there is an upcoming meeting to discuss his future and what that looks like with them... (His boss already told him to find his replacement for the job he is currently doing because his talent is being wasted with his current job duties) Despite his crazy schedule, mine is crazy too and we still see each other fairly regularly...

Ursa continues to seek out her greatest interests... balls, someone to play fetch with, and soft cuddly things. If there is stuff going on, she is happy to participate. But she is also quite content sleeping all night with me, and all day with Peter.

This is the turtle stuffed animal that has been watching over us since day one in the hospital when he was brought to us by Kasia. If ever we go the stuffed animal in place of baby in pictures route, it will probably be this guy you see. Something about him reminds me that its going to be all right. Maybe its his kinda dopey, contented for no reason expression, or the heart stamped on his butt... but its just something. 

Some people we know had birthdays and I made them stuff. This is one of the set of six placemats I made for Heidi. And This is the messenger style bike bag I made for my brother Ben:

Its totally lined with nylon to protect against those rides in a sudden and unexpected downpour

and tons of pockets. And these super sweet toggle buckles along with velcro closure too.

I will soon be picking out another bit of canvas to make myself my own... that is how sweet it turned out.

And I have been working on some projects for myself too.

I fixed the bedskirt I made back in January that had turned out just a little too short

But this was the doosy of a project...

We transformed what was supposed to be Carter's closet

into a functional piece that we could use without the sentimental burden. We started (and at this point in the project, by we, I mean John, Pete's stepdad / my carpenter) by chopping it in half.

This made the bottom the perfect height for a countertop. So we gave it a top and then had to decide how to finish it off.

I painted it red. Bright red. Fire engine red. With a glossy finish.

Spray painted the hardware a hammered finish black

And then!!!! We laminated the top with Anne Taintor artwork. You'd probably recognize the art if you saw it. It looks like this:

 and the finish product turned out quite nice if I do say so myself

And I got a new tattoo. After quite some time of talking about it, I got Carter's footprints tattooed on my foot. Now, she is walking with me wherever I go...

It hurt. It really hurt. But relatively speaking, I've been through worse. And I really like how it turned out.

So then there is me...

Not ready for pictures yet. Actually, my camera battery died while I was trying to get a decent one. I am always behind the camera!

I'm working a lot too. But it comes with a reward... hopefully. I've already been given a raise. And someone (I'm not being coy here, there is really no official word yet) is getting promoted to GM soon. Who has two thumbs and would love to be GM? THIS GIRL! 

Also, Pete and I have both gotten time off in order to participate in the "first annual bike ride for hope." Its a ride to benefit CASA, an amazing organization in this area. They provide court appointed advocates for children in those tricky court cases of abuse, neglect, drug use, etc. 

Here's the thing. Its 40 miles. Uphill. And at the end of the month. So I may be picked up by the SAG wagon as they clear the course. BUT! I will give it my best until then. And up until then, I need to build up a tad bit more strength. So, if I am not doing something to benefit my overall physical health, and therefore chance of living through aforementioned event, scold me!!!!

So that is us, where we are now. We are just as imperfect and broken as we always have been, only more recently, we added the grief of our child to that mix. Its a hard road... one I would never wish on others. But, it is unfortunately, a road some have to travel. And we are... traveling. Some days slower than others. Some days with more tears. Some days with more joy. Some days with frozen yogurt to make up for the lack of joy. But overall, we are still here and loving each other. And that is enough for any day.