Dearest Daughter

I wrote this in my journal a while ago but wanted to share because...
because I think this is the easiest way to summarize the basic thoughts that are ALWAYS going through my head.
"Dear Carter,
I spend every day hoping you know how much mommy and daddy love you. Because one of the emptiest feelings is thinking that without you here to hold, kiss, snuggle, and show off... there is just no way to express how much we love you.

I hope you get to play with Jay and Liam and all those other babies whose time on earth was too short.

I hope that children in heaven are not mean to each other like children on earth: that you are not teased about anything because you are perfect.

I hope there are parties in heaven: extra special, extra perfect days full of cake and presents and people telling you how wonderful you are. But maybe every day in heaven in like that. And that's okay too.

I hope you've met the wonderful man we named you after. I hope he introduced himself as Uncle Josh... because if you were both here on earth, that is the title we would have given him.

I hope the great grandmothers we thought you wouldn't get to meet are there to love you every day. I hope they hug and kiss you and tell great stories like they did for daddy and I.

Maybe you have met some of daddy's other friends too. I hope they tell you only of the good times: terrorism and war deserve no place in heaven.

I hope that our sadness doesn't contaminate your heaven. We are trying so hard to get along here without you, but some days it is much harder than others. I hope, if you feel our sadness, you know that it is just because we miss you even when we know you are fine. I hope, that if you must feel our sadness, then you get to feel our happiness and love too.

I hope that you know you will never be out of our hearts, our thoughts, or memories. I hope you know we will cherish ever moment we had with you... even the scary ones, the sad ones, the vomit-y ones. We will constantly wish that every moment with you had totaled many many more, but accept that cannot happen.

But mostly, I just hope you know how much we love you.
Love,
Mommy