One for the hubby

On the way home from work tonight, I heard this song by Weezer. Its been on the radio nonstop but it was a quiet moment in my thoughts and I actually listened to some of the lyrics. It is a pop-py song called "I want you to."
"The moon was shining on the lake at night,
Your Slayer t-shirt fit the scene just right.
With smeared mascara,
I looked into your eyes, I saw a light.

You told me stories about your chickadees,
They didn’t like BB guns or stupid archery.
The jumbo lifeguard, he let them use the pool all day for free.

Then the conversation stopped,
And I looked down at my feet.
I was next to you and you were right there next to me

Then I said, “Girl!
If you’re wondering if I want you to,
I want you to!
So make a move!
Cause I ain’t got all night!"

I giggle at this chorus because when it came to Pete and I, I made the first move.

Oooh, scandalous, you are thinking. You are wondering if you should keep on reading... Most of my followers are parents and grandparents (and I do mean MY OWN parents and grandparents)... I assure you that this will remain as PG rated as always.

It was a dark night on I-25 headed back from a forensics meet in Denver. Pete was sitting one seat in front of me. And after a full day of flirting (days, weeks, months, who knows where we were at this point), I whispered something in his ear (I don't remember what, but I would be willing to bet it was pretty G rated) and grabbed his hand. And we held hands the whole way back home. 

"Nothing" came of our high school friendship as we moved on in various ways and lost touch until Pete randomly emailed me in November of 2005. I had tried to think nothing of this car ride for years as I figured it was just a silly adolescence thing until one of the emails from Pete included this, "but i do seem to remember a long drive back from a forensics competition, holding hands and awkward silences. and then thats it, thats the last time i remember you. i dont really know what happened but it has stuck in my mind for a long time. maybe you can fill me in. pete"

Pete moved back from Germany, we began dating, he went to Iraq, came home, I was still faithfully his and suddenly we were engaged.

"The rest of the summer was the best we ever had.

We watched Titanic and it didn’t make us sad.
I took you to Best Buy,
You took me home to meet your mom and dad.

Your mom cooked meatloaf even though I don’t eat meat,
I dug you so much, I took some for the team.
Your dad was silent,
His eyes were fixed to what was on TV.

Then the conversation stopped and I looked down at the ring,
Your folks were next to you,
And you were right there next to me.

Then I said, “Girl!
If you’re wondering if I want you to,
I want you to!
I swear it’s true!
Without you, my heart is blue.

Girl! If you’re wondering if I want you to,
I want you to!
So make a move!
‘Cause I ain’t got all night!"

We will call Pete's aunt Amy the first to know about our engagement as we ran into her around town the FIRST DAY I was wearing my ring and she immediately spied it. We all kept close lipped until announcing to the parents a few days later, but I saw the look she gave me after seeing the new ring on my left hand...

"So much pain may come my way,

There may come a day when we have nothing left to say!

When the conversation stops,
And we’re facing our defeat.
I’ll be next to you,
And you’ll be right there next to me.

Then I said, “Girl!
If you’re wondering if I want you to,
I want you to!
I swear it’s true!
Without you, my heart is blue.

Girl! If you’re wondering if I want you to,
I want you to!
So make a move!
‘Cause I ain’t got all night!"

Through everything, Pete gets it. Or he doesn't. But even on the days he doesn't, he is still the closest to it. He gets me. And he keeps me sane, puts my head back on straight, holds me while I cry, rolls his eyes at pregnant people with me, and so many more things. 

So, even during those times when it really feels like its me against the world, I just try and remind myself that it is we against the world (yes, I know that isn't grammatically correct, try and stop me)...

And I sure am glad I made that first move.

So its my birthday...

On Thursday, September 9, 2010... I turned 25 years old.
I had the day off work. It began a little crazy because the night before our car broke down in a liquor store parking lot on the way home from work. We ended up at John and Heidi's most of the day waiting to find out that we were spending a paycheck on the jeep. I went to work the following day and had many staff members tell me happy birthday. My parents and parents in law took me out for Japanese (YUM).

Something about 25 conveyed this... hope. This true, "finally an adult" feeling. I never had that at 18 or 21. But, it felt like, at 25... life was suddenly going to be a big deal.

Well!!! 25 was a big deal. Here is a brief summary.
Since turning 25, I have:
Ridden my bike to work (not every day, I just remember that being a thing of note last fall)
Had a belated birthday celebration with all the women in the family (aka: received MORE gifts)
Blogged
Ridden the rampart reservoir trail for the first time after years of talking about it
Found out I was pregnant
Went to Keystone for a weekend of fun to celebrate Pete and I's third anniversary
Found out I had softball sized fibroids (benign uterine tumors) and therefore a HIGH risk pregnancy.
Enjoyed my first ever paid time off from work. Which afforded me the ability to be at ALL the family holiday celebrations including day early Thanksgiving, Traditional Sunday nutcracker matinee performance, lil yuleaftin (still don't know how to spell after 4 years of marriage to the East's), Christmas Eve slumber party at Grandmas, etc.
Became pretty decided that Baby would be named Carter, girl or boy
Had the most memorable first morning sickness experience ever, sprinting to the bathroom mid manager meeting... good thing I told my bosses early!!
Had my first ER visit ever
Went camping
Ran a restaurant despite debilitating morning sickness
Made a bedskirt on my new sewing machine (christmas present)
Worked a closing shift new Year's Eve and laughed at all the nearly naked girls running around between bars in -15 degrees
Moved in with parents in law
Showed up at super bowl with a growler... of rootbeer (and vanilla ice cream)
Felt baby kick for the first time (post rootbeer float, coincidence, I think not!)
Had my second ER visit ever
Found out baby was a girl!
Had amniocentesis
Rolled my eyes at the suggestion of bed rest
Made fabulous soft, cuddly baby blanket
Registered for Baby gifts
Had my first ambulance ride ever
Hospitalized for 4 days
Nearly died with brain swelling, and kidney failure due to pre-eclampsia
Had major surgery
Carter Marie born nearly 15 weeks early at 1lb 4 oz.
Carter Marie died at 40 hours old due to severe stroke
Took 8 weeks off
Learned the joy of second ever Paid time off by receiving a paycheck for far more than I worked of the month of March
Only on blood pressure medication for 1 week of the estimated 2-6 weeks
Sewed my brains out
Cleaned out baby stuff from Carter's Closet
Remade Carter's closet into fabulous Kitchen island
Cooked
Cleaned
Read
Used lots of kleenex
Journaled
Visited a swanky resort in Tempe, AZ. Sat by pool for four days. Ate Fish tacos. Rolled eyes at the pool bartender hitting me: and introduced him to my mother in law. HA!
Returned to work
Rode my bike again for the first time in months
Planted tomotoes, peppers, and strawberries in topsy turvy planters. Also planted flowers (they died) and herbs (they took over the flowers) Planted pumpkins, but they were eaten by squirrels or birds almost immediately
Paid medical bills
Made birthday gifts
Found out our GM was leaving to run another restaurant in the company
Got Carter's footprints tattooed on my foot
Worked a lot
My brother visited!!
Went to the boat on Lake Pueblo
Spent time with Nephews 1, 2 and 3 while they visited for three weeks
Went camping
Refinished sewing table
Participated in the first annual CASA bike ride for Hope
Brewed beer
Reconnected with an old friend also suffering the trauma of pregnancy gone wrong
Saddened to hear about the death of one of my OG Carlsbad friends due to leukemia
Pete got promoted
Cut off all my hair
Got promoted to General Manager
Got new glasses
Hit the six month marker of our baby being gone. Realized she had been gone longer than we had even known she existed: did not make it easier
Worked 8 days in a row while transitioning to my new "GM" schedule.


And that is 25... in a nutshell.

I find myself looking back on that and hoping that 26 is better. Then, acknowledging that, despite all the pain, 25 was not HORRIBLE. So then I just hope that 26 is not any worse. I've thought maybe, 26 won't be so eventful... and that would be good. But that is probably an unrealistic expectation. A lot can happen in a year.

So.... I'm just left with what sounds like a toast to my passing age:
"Here is to you, 25... a year I can only hope contained my worst day ever. A year that provided joy, pain, tears, laughter, hope, excitement, fear, strength, worry, friends, family, and a whole lot of other things. I thank you for the good and happily let go of you because of the bad. I will not say 'good riddance' because I would hate for that to come back at me... but well, frankly, I'm thinking it.
And to 26. Let's be friends. I'll take whatever you got... but please don't hurt too bad."

facebook makes serious things totally dumb

Yesterday, I checked facebook to find that an old acquantaince from college had posted, "I'm 18 weeks and craving twizzlers."
I looked at her page, her pics, her updates to see nothing about pregnancy. What a strange way to announce your pregnancy I thought to myself. I posted a quick comment, "congrats?" and went about life.


Today, I had a message from this friend.
"Pass this along: Ok pretty ladies, it's that time of year again, in support of breast cancer awareness!! Remember last year so many people took part that it made national news and, the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we're doing this and helped raise awareness!! Do NOT tell any males what the status' mean, keep them guessing!! And please copy and paste (in a message )this to all your female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year!!! I did my part... now YOUR turn! The idea is to choose the month you were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the girls only and lets see how far it reaches around. The last one about the bra went round allovr the world. So you'll write... I'm (your birth month) weeks and I'm craving (your birth date)!!! as your status. 

Example: Feb 14th = I'm 2 weeks and craving Choclolate mints!!

January-1 week
Febuary-2 weeks
March-3 weeks
April-4 weeks
May-6 weeks
June-8 weeks
July-10 weeks
August-12 weeks
September-13 weeks
October-14 weeks
November-16 weeks
December-18 weeks

Days of the month:
1-Skittles
2-Starburst
3-Kit-Kat
4-M&M's
5-Galaxy
6-Crunchie
7-Dairy Milk
8-Lollipop
9-Peanut Butter Cups
10-Meat Balls
11-Twizzlers
12-Bubble Gum
13-Hershey's Kisses
14-Chocolate Mints
15-Twix
16-Resse's Fastbreak
17-Fudge
18-Cherry Jello
19-Milkyway
20-Pickels
21-Creme Eggs
22-Skittles
23-Gummy Bears
24-Gummy Worms
25-Strawberry Pop Tarts
26-Starburst
27-Mini Eggs
28-Kit-Kat Chunkie
29-Double Chocolate Chip Chrunchy Cookies
30-Smarties
31-Chocolate Cake"

I already facebook posted a 150 character response to this stupidity, but I'm in the mood to rant more so here goes.

point number 1: W.T.F does a fake pregnancy post about craving candy have anything to do with breast cancer. Atleast the original one (bra color) had something to do with boobies, which is what awareness is trying to save I thought... But faking all your friends out to pregnancy? dumb.... 

point number 2: If your post has nothing to do with breast cancer, or breasts in general even, how are we supposed to know that you are supporting breast cancer awareness? and itsn't the point of social media to spread the word and get everyone on board? Well if no one knows what you are talking about, how are you being effective? To illustrate my point, I am going to quote all the comments following my friends post yesterday, names removed:

• What?!?!?!

  Friday at 5:00pm · 
• Congrats?

  Friday at 5:37pm · 
• Whaaaaa??

  Friday at 6:46pm · 
• 
  

  Whaaaaat? Congrats girl.

  Friday at 8:12pm · 
• Details, please..
  
  
  So... I'm annoyed. You already get that. (I'm also annoyed that by copy and pasting from facebook, my text formatting is all curfuffled... but I will get over that.)
  But here we are at point number 3, with a... footnote:
  
  Footnote:
  I am a baby loss mama. I understand that this aforementioned title makes me sensitive about things that other people are not sensitive about, sometimes offended for things I would not have been offended about a year ago, etc. There are people that may think that this rant is solely because I have just recently tragically lost my child after a... rough go with the reproductive world.
  And I will admit that this is... partly that.
  
  Point number 3: This post is COMPLETELY insensitive. Facebook is already... quite frankly, a hard place after infant loss. In online support groups I have seen it over and over again. Sometimes being so easily in touch with people I would have fallen out of touch with years ago is painful as they go through healthy pregnancy, perfect babies and what... seems like to me, a happy perfect world while "growing their family." I have only stayed because... because as snobby as this may seem, I follow friends and acquaintances pregnancies to ensure they don't go through anything like I did. Most of the pregnancies I have kept up on and commented or checked in on frequently have been my women friends experiencing trouble. Everything from my friend whose morning sickness wouldn't let up to my friend who just developed pre-eclampsia at 27 weeks and had an emergency c section (this situation was like deja vu, though I am happy to report Alex is doing well and almost a week old, though those of you who pray, keep praying because 1lb 6oz babies have much to overcome.)
  Experiencing loss like this is something you cannot imagine until you are living it. Its horrible and painful and continues to be no matter how much of your life moves on. It does change you. It does make you sensitive to people posting about pregnancies they AREN'T ACTUALLY EXPERIENCING.
  But here is a fact I have to tell myself regularly when I start to feel alone in my situation. ONE IN FOUR PREGNANCIES ENDS IN A LOSS DURING THE PREGNANCY OR EARLY INFANCY. 
  ONE IN FOUR PREGNANCIES...That does not even account for the innumerous (I could probably find the statistic if I wanted) women who experience years of infertility, often unexplained infertility. That means... that if you are of "child rearing age" (this is a vague age group I know, but I bet you can inspect the demographic of your friends and have an idea if you fit into this category), its not a small estimate to suggest that 30% of your female facebook friends are hurting from infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. So then there are countless posts about, "I'm ____ weeks and craving ____" Well, one sixth (assuming your facebook friends are 50/50 split between genders) of your friends are thinking about how nice it would be to be craving ANYTHING because they were ANY weeks along, just being able to shout it out on facebook without worrying whether they would have to later announce their loss just as publicly.
  
  
  Don't get me wrong. I get the point. Let's raise awareness. But let's do it in a way that is easily relatable to breast cancer, people understand what is going on,  and can support the mission without being offended.
  Personally, I don't think that is so much to ask.
  
  I haven't scripted an exact facebook plan just yet... but since "breast cancer awareness month" is OCTOBER, I figure I have 26 more days to figure it out and start announcing.  If you have any ideas, let me know... I think the person behind the "bra color" status update got to be on the today show or something. That could be fun...
  
  How is this for awareness:
  

  Lia Hall

  Ten months ago, I was 13 weeks and craving ("peanut butter cups"). More realistically, I was craving buttered noodles and saltines because I was throwing up all the time. 

  

  But, by saying "13 weeks" and "peanut butter cups", and having received the "code reader" email, you've now been reminded my birthday is on Friday. Please plan accordingly.

   ·  · 59 minutes ago