another fabulous feat of self control

I should be sleeping right now. I have to get up for work in 5ish hours. But I need to write this. I need to get it out into the world and should I be deemed crazy then so be it.

A good place to start is a couple days ago. After becoming stressed out by my doctor and trying to keep myself together (pretty unsuccessfully actually), I ended up on the phone with my dear friend who has lived through baby loss... and infertility... and dumb reproductive organs... and surgeries. And, because I was having a hard day, the conversation turned the way it always does on a hard day: injustice. The mood was lightened by our casual joking about bringing an empty box to planned parenthood... with a sign that said, "Place baby here." Leaving post-it notes under the "safe haven" signs (in Colorado, many fire stations and hospitals are "newborn safe havens" you can abandon your newborn there without fear of prosecution.) that said, "if leaving a baby here, please call Lia at... Someone will arrive within ten minutes to collect your child." Its a funny sick twisted sad joke. Its some way to lighten the mood... but yes, infant loss does have you considering these things as your best options for future parenting.

So... today... as narrated to facebook, I "put on my big girl panties and went to pick up Carter's birth certificate."

I regret going. I will never go back. (Well, I guess I will someday have to go back for this next child we dream of having) Its as horrible a place as a name like "Vital Records Office" suggests.
The Colorado Springs Vital Records office is a tiny little place, about the size of most people's closets. The employees sit behind glass windows and take payment to print things onto fancy paper. I had two issues to resolve. One, I decided to purchase (yes, my childless friends, you must PURCHASE the birth certificate.) the birth certificate. Its not something I feel I need or want now, but might as well get it while the information on HOW to get it is fresh in case I need or want it later. Two, when we signed the death certificate, we did not know Carter's social security number so it was listed as unknown. (Seems like a waste for a child who lived 36 hours to have a social security number, but that was certainly not our hope as we happily filled out the birth certificate form in the hospital and checked, "Yes, I would like my child to be issued a social security number."
So, its been three months and Carter's social security number is just sitting unused and open, waiting for some predator to steal... I guess. And maybe, we would be financially liable for that. I don't even know. I just figure, the number should be declared to a deceased person since it is assigned to one.

So I fill out the necessary forms. I have the necessary cash. I walk into the office confidently. A cute Asian couple stand waiting with their tiny tiny baby in the infant carrier at their feet. I am standing waiting for someone to acknowledge me when another guy comes in, with his necessary forms.
I am acknowledged and step up to the window (it was a half step really, I'm not kidding or exagerating when I say closet sized office). Two more women with older babies walk in the office and grab forms from beside me. I say in a slighter louder voice than necessary: "Hi. I need to pick up the birth and death certificate for my daughter."
Well, at least with a statement like that, I won't have to make small talk with the moms. I explain what I need. The employee says she will have to look at the death certificate... if it doesn't have the number on it (I know it doesn't...) she will give me the form I need to send to the state to get it edited. Please allow her a couple minutes to do this.
I half step back to the wall. Another lady assists the man, who is ordering his own birth certificate and then begins helping the two women.
And in the short little while I wait for an answer on the social security number debacle, three things happen in quick succession.
The funeral director for the home that cremated Carter comes in. I duck my head. I would hate to find out he recognizes me. The woman being helped at the counter is informed (rather loudly, or the sound carries) that if there is "no father for the record" she needs to write "UNLISTED" in that section of the form. And then a woman and her nearly toddler little boy walks in. She is clearly frustrated, kid is tired and just wants to toddle around the building. She prevents him. He tried to go around. She stops him. He starts crying. She picks him up, starts adminishing him to stop it. And then, just as she tries to put him down, he goes into full on tantrum and lands on the hard office floor quite abruptly.
He is screaming bloody murder....
She is yelling at him about how sick of him she is, how stupid he is being, etc.

And then there is me. Standing quietly in the corner. Thinking a million thoughts a minute. Number one, take the kid and walk out. Number two, he screaming like a banshee, probably bites... and there is that whole kidnapping thing. Number three, no... be compassionate. She probably has had a bad day and is at the end of her rope. Number four, raise your hand and interrupt. I so wanted to pull the dead baby card.
To loudly admonish her for her bad attitude with, "Uh hi... My name is Lia and I am here today to get both my child's birth and death certificate. My daughter that I loved and adored and wanted nothing more than to be with for.... we'll just say... a while: is dead. So if you could just chill out and pretend to be a half decent parent for... oh, say the next five minutes I am in the office. I. Would. Really. Appreciate. It. K. Thanks."

But I didn't. I just continued to stand in the corner. Sobbing.

And then I had the birth certificate and the necessary forms to be sent to the state in hand and I got to leave. And I got out the door of the office, and cried. And I got into my car. And cried.

And I went home, and put my happy face back on and went about my day.

If only there were a flashing sign above me that said, "Please avoid being an inept parent around me. Thanks."