Not awful

I went in to work Monday afternoon thinking that my day off would be Thursday. I was a bit disappointed about having to work on Carter's birthday mostly because I was worried I would not be able to keep it together enough to have my usual sunny disposition I force myself to have around my employees. (I live by, I'm the boss, I don't get to have a bad day at work).
But I had scheduled myself because one of my new managers is expecting a child any second and I had a striking suspicion that she would go into labor Monday night in order to have the baby Tuesday... just so the universe could give me that little extra jab.
So I was pleasantly surprised when new manager called to say that he and his wife were just leaving the doctor and he had a favor to ask. She was going to be induced Wednesday night. So, he wanted to work Tuesday in order to be off Thursday. Well that was just an easy switch of who was off Thursday being off Tuesday. And that was ME!
I got the schedule all sorted out, had a slow in business but productive Monday and then headed home to enjoy  Carter's birthday in the company of my own little family.
We started by planning out where we wanted to hike. Devil's kitchen was one we had been talking about for a while. A short hike just the other side of Pikes Peak. Then we looked at what geocaches were up there. A year ago as we were getting things together for Carter's funeral, we bought a travel bug. We were struggling with whether to spread or keep her ashes. I think it is probably a hard decision for anyone to make for someone else. And these were our thoughts: she was just a baby, she belongs at home. Her entire life was spent in a hospital, she should be in a really a cool, beautiful, amazing part of the world. That was when Pete's dad suggested a travel bug in her memory. We loved it. Her ashes stay at home, but a trackable keychain travels around the world via geocaches to see sites, meet people, etc. (I'll stay brief in the explanation. See more here )
So we picked out a keychain to attach where people could write notes, and got a travelbug.
And it has stayed in the bag where her precious few items are kept in the storage closet.
So I was insistent we finally place it. But Devil's kitchen did not have any geocaches that were big enough to put it in. It also... did not really have any caches. There was one. In a 3 mile hike. So we stayed up late Monday putting together a cache, setting up the webpage for Carter's travel bug  (track the adventure on the geocaching website)

Tuesday morning dawned bright. I had a short conference call to make for work and then we were off!
But first a power breakfast:

I love lox and a bagel. Don't judge me. Its delicious. Top it off with a cup of coffee in a very wise mug and I'm all set!

The mood was kind of silly. We were both trying so hard to keep the mood light and excited for hiking, that we just became slap happy. We both got the peanut butter jelly song stuck in our head as pete mixed peanut butter into his mixed berry smoothie, "for a protien boost." We giggled and carried on, but every once in a while one of us would break back into, "Peanut butter jelly and a baseball bat!" (I won't link it here, but its a dumb youtube video from a WHILE ago. Look into it if you dare, but the song will be stuck in your head for two days, minimum)

And then we headed for the mountains. I played deejay and navigator as Pete drove. Oh, how wonderful I new car is!

When we got to the trailhead, we let ursa carry the geocache in her backpack. I tried to take a picture, but this was the ONE time my dog wasn't interested in being a camera ham!

You can at least see her pack here. She loves it. And we've been know to put a few rocks on each side... just to slow her down a little.

It was a lovely day for a hike. We found we wished we had brought our snowshoes, but the trail was passable without them. 

At the top, (devil's kitchen) was a really cool rock formation that framed the top of the hill with large, flat on top boulders. I tried to get a picture but it didn't come out.

The view on such a clear day was great from up top. 

And then it was time for LUNCH!
So, as luck would have it, just down from the top of the rocks was a very nice fire pit with wood left beside it! Not having to gather as much wood is always a special treat.
Since Peter could pretty much be crowned royalty in his ability to start a campfire, we tend to have AMAZING hiking meals. With a fire, you can have almost anything.

For this occasion we went with teriyaki beef kabobs with peppers, onions, pineapple, and mushrooms. We had fruit on the side. Pretty nice little lunch spread for hiking

Oh, and... Pinot noir. There is something wonderful about sharing a bottle of wine mid way through a hike. (You just have to make sure to be very hydrated and know your ability to drink at altitude.) 

After lunch, we dutifully put out our fire, left our new geocache in the rock formation and headed back down. Which is when we found... we hadn't really hiked UP to get there. So we made slower progress than expected. Funny how when hiking down seems level until you turn around.

Cheyenne Mountain. 

Pikes Peak. We are a little disappointed in this picture because in real life, the mountain dominates your view as you come around a corner of the trail. 

The nice thing about out and back hikes is you turn around and see a whole new view. 

Upon getting back into town, we showered up and had dinner with our friends in Manitou Springs. I didn't take any photos because I was concerned that a get together in honor of two dead kids birthdays (March 6, 2011 and March 7, 1998) might be kind of somber.

But you know what, it was very enjoyable. I mean, you put a bunch of hilarious friends together (yes I just titled us all hilarious), with Mexican food and Margaritas, its easy to have a good time, no matter what the date.

So, there you go. First birthday down. And it was not awful. 

It was pretty nice.

Its a different kind of...

I was maybe in college when my brother turned... I want to say it was his 25th birthday. I don't know if that is right exactly... just that it was a kind of monumental birthday, and I am almost 7 years younger, so I would have been about 17, 18.

I also don't remember how the subject was brought up. But I remember my mom saying that she hadn't ever been able to imagine this day. And I, and whoever else I was with, if there was anybody looked at her kind of confused. I couldn't understand that. I inquired if it was because of my brother's health problems throughout life. She said, maybe... no. And then she said something that struck me so that I remember it over ten years later even though I don't remember most of the story (and hopefully she remembers even less or she will deny this ever happening or she will correct me, haha). She told me that she hadn't imagined any of us as adults. Say it was my brother's 25th. I would have been 18 and my other brother would have been 14. This seems right to the conversation, so we will continue with that assumption. 

It was brief, in passing. But I remember her telling me that she had never imagined what any of us would be as adults.

Maybe it is in my imagination that she continued to say something along the lines of, "because how could I assume what kind of people you would turn out to be?"

Having experienced what I have, I think it was wise. Even with health and happiness and a wonderful life attached, who are we to assume how our children will compile all of that and turn it into the people they will be?

A year ago, I didn't imagine Carter turning one.

We had all the hope in the world. We had every reason to believe that things would be tough, but why wouldn't they work out? We talked about many things her life might include: what the nursery would look like, cute clothes, ballet lessons, mommy baby swim class. But it was all in passing. It was all silly conversation you make to convince yourself that things might be okay after a doctor breaks your spirit with how hard things are going to be, "best case scenario." 

It wasn't a hopeless notion to not start planning her first birthday party when she arrived in the world 14.5 weeks early. It was practical. There were so many bigger things to hope for... to plan... to worry about.

But that doesn't change the fact that she has a "birthday."

On March 6, 2011 a beautiful little girl arrived in this world. She was too small to cry but she whimpered and cooed, and I, even as near death sick as I was, giggled in delight to hear her little baby noises as nurses worked on her across the O.R. from where I was being stitched back together from my c-section. "That's a cute baby." The doctor said. Cute was a different word as 25 week babies are very... different in their beauty from the typical "cute baby." But we, as all parents do, saw her perfectness.

But her struggle was short and ended quickly.

So on March 6, 2012... there will be no balloons. There are no presents to be wrapped. There is no cake to be baked. 

March 6 will be just another day. And after months of thinking that the grief was getting easier, this is the hardest thing to acknowledge. 

Because it isn't just another day. But I still have to go to work. It just so happens that my boss is coming by. It just so happens that I have a conference call with the owners. It just so happens that some colleges and districts are on spring break so we expect to be busier. 

It just so happens that in every other area of life, business has to continue as usual... even though its the one day I wish that time could stop... or fast forward... or just... not be. My mother in law suggested we have February 29 every year in order to not have March 6. This seems genius. GENIUS. But then I have that moment of remembering that I am not the only one. And if we erased a day for every child that died prematurely, we would have ceased to have a life LONG ago. 

So instead, we will just keep on...

Happy Birthday Carter. You are missed. But more importantly, you are LOVED.