t-minus 8 days...

With my surgery in just eight short days, I have spent the time since scheduling it already realizing the differences and similarities to the last surgery.

The main difference is simply the lead up to this time around. March was an emergency surgery that I expected to schedule for many weeks later in a life or death situation.
But now, it is a scheduled time and place. So, I have much more time to think about the possibilities. And that's a very emotional thing to do. I wonder about stupid things like, "Does the food really taste as bad as I remember? Will I have to have those puffer fish contraptions on my legs that blow up every few minutes and hiss all night? Will they make me use the exhaling "torture" device?"
The fact is, this time is a little less severe so I have time to obsess and wonder about those silly things. Does it matter? No. But I'm wondering.

So needless to say, its been a stressful tone around here. We have talked about it endlessly and now it is just easier to distract ourselves.

And today was pretty successful at that. It was a nice day with my husband.
We started by sleeping in and then going downtown. I needed to pick up my paycheck and so we had brunch at a restaurant down there too. We went to an Irish pub where I had AMAZING corn beef hash and we shared a fantastic Guiness cheese soup.
While at brunch, we talked about starting a project today and Pete suggested we go thrifting. Yes please!
But we didn't know where to go close to downtown and ended up at this store that USED to be a goodwill. It is now an antique, vintage and homemade consignment shop.
It was so fun to walk around in. We found a bunch of super cool stuff. We had a ton of fun walking around and admiring things, but didn't find anything we really wanted to bring home.
So we moved on with our day. And Pete drove around a sorta back way so I got to look around at all the cool old houses and point out for sale signs.
But that wasn't all! We washed the car and then stopped at the sporting goods store to look at a couple things Pete has been eyeing. Since we were at the mall anyway, we ventured around for coffee. I had a vanilla latte, my favorite.
And we were heading toward the exit when I saw that the winter socks on display were BOGO!!!

One of the things I remember most vividly about my last hospital stay is that my feet were FREEZING. And pete just kept putting socks on me... And all the ones he had grabbed from the house had holes in them!!!

So I've been asking for fuzzy socks or slippers... And today was the day. I got these

They look AWESOME.

The afternoon was filled with a football game while I cleaned and crafted. And then dinner with the parents.
Kind of the perfect day. Definitely the perfect day to not think about surgery.

I've got 7 more days and 5 more work shifts before this all goes down. I'm looking forward to relieving the pain and issues I've been having the last few weeks, though of course I'm nervous too.

Ah well, its all in the works now!!!!

And the verdict is:

So, after five doctors appointments over the past two months, it is in process.

I will be having an abdominal myomectomy on November 14.

They will be doing a full abdominal incision, I'll be disemboweled for a second time this year, they will remove as much of the fibroid ridden tissue as they can, and then stitch me back up and I will be back to the healing process I underwent in March following my cesarean.

The idea is that, most importantly, they will be able to remove the three biggest fibroids that are 5cm, 8 cm, and 5 cm in diameter, stretching my uterus to a sizes three times the considered normal of most women. Then, hopefully I will be able to go back to living a pain free life.

There are risks of course. And benefits. And we can only hope that the benefits will far outweigh the risks.

My most entertaining moment was when the doctor said, "But, lets get back to bad news dr. K..." Atleast he knows what we call him behind his back, haha.

So, we shall see. In its worst, I will at least still be rid of the huge discomfort and pain. And that is enough to try and be excited about the process.

But let's fact it, I'm psyched about being cut open again.

So this is what we do....

Its been a busy few weeks here around the Hall house. We have been working, playing, working....
Oh, and I've been going to the doctor. Tomorrow will be the fourth appointment in five weeks.

This is a good thing because my pain level has... skyrocketed. A good day is a pain level of 3-4. When I finally decide to take Ibuprofin (about 4 times a week), 6-7... A couple of times, Pete has come around the corner to find me having dropped to the floor in the fetal position.

So, it was a wise wonderful coincidence that I started seeking the advise of a more specialized doctor just before this began. That was what my husband pointed out so wisely yesterday. Because when I first called for an appointment, I was mildly uncomfortable. And now look at me, having nightly dates with my heating pad.

Its been a longer and more intense process then what my original doctor had said the surgical process would entail. But I have been thankful for that because I know that this doctor's decision on where we should go from here will be based on the most information possible.

And, tomorrow is finally the official surgical consult to discuss my options, what a procedure would entail, and what happens next.

Nothing about this has been easy. Or wonderful. Or... well, it sucks all around. I hate that my life has suddenly been planned around my pain level. That multiple people in my life say on a regular basis, "You shouldn't be doing that." I hate not being able to physically exert myself.

So my wonderful other half reminds me that will end soon. That I will be better.

And so I turn my bitterness to the fact that I have to have a pretty major surgery to live a normal life. That, this surgery may only temporarily help and eventually, I'll have another surgery. That I have to plan my vacation time around medical procedures.

And then I spent some time on pinterest today. Pinterest is my latest addiction. Holy crap, I never thought I could spend hours online until I was told about this site. And I found this wall hanging of a Nelson Mandela quote:

Well thanks Mr. Mandela for a little perspective. While I may want to curl up and stay in bed, avoiding it all... that is so much less than I am capable of. So tomorrow morning, I will get up and have breakfast with Pete. I will be very quiet and contemplative, tired from having trouble sleeping. He will ask me how I feel. I will remind him how I hate doctors, am scared of another surgery and HATE this whole process even if it will make me better.

But then,
We will bundle up (because its getting to be sweater weather!!!), head out to the car and drive to the doctors office. Where we will take in all the facts and make the best decision for our family no matter how hard of a decision it is....
and we will keep on going.

But in the way of wise words, I also like this... Between figuring out my new position at work and figuring out my health issues, its definitely how I have felt the last couple of months:

So, 1, 2, 3, here we gooooo.....

I went and got myself a new blog.

Hello hello my loyal fans.

I am writing today to let you know that I have decided to compartmentalize my blog writings a little bit. I've started a new blog to feature all my creative and DIY pursuits. You can find it at:
www.prettypracticalthings.blogspot.com
I am going to try and write weekly but no promises... afterall, there are some weeks where my most creative pursuit is to control what I really want to say to a customer who may.... or may not be as right as they think. And THAT will never be a topic for the blog-o-verse....

In the meantime, this one will continue to be about whatever life seems to throw at us. Follow one, both, none and just use facebook links.... it is up to you! But I thought I would let you know, the project posts will be less on here so check out that area to see where creativity is taking me lately!

Its all the things I don't want to talk about

So, perhaps my avoidance of actually writing a blog rather than just opening up the page are because life has been pretty full of things that I don't really want to talk about.... 

I work, but I don't want to / feel like I shouldn't talk about that.

I have a medical condition and am working with a doctor to fix it. But I have not the energy or expertise to write about reproductive endocrinology. Nor am I inclined to believe people have any interest in reading my perspective.

Carter continues to be only remains on our mantle and that hurts and has impacted life in ways we wouldn't have imagined, but I don't have the heart to put you through another one of THOSE posts.

Life still holds small moments of joy though. 

Like a week and a half ago when we went to the mountains simply to cook breakfast outside. Yes, I'll pause for a moment so you can re-read that line. 

We went up a mountain road just to have a brunch cookout and enjoy the fall color. 

Pretty autumn mountain pictures to follow. And by follow, I mean in another post, because my camera is with Pete in another state.

I went and enjoyed having a silly girl night with a friend and saw "What's your number?" Ridiculous, hilarious time. 

And this week, I've been enjoying a little time with just me and the dog as Pete is in San Diego. He got the opportunity to spend a week with the Navy SEALS in the pistol section of their weapons training program. Its a military thing, so I am sure there is some acronym I am supposed to be using to describe all this, but I don't know of it. Nor would anyone understand me if I spoke in all those acronyms... It isn't horrible having alone time but Pete and I have been going through such phases where I schedules either mesh well and we see each other all the time, or they don't at all and we will go a couple weeks without spending any real time together at all. So, its been a few weeks of having dinner together five nights ish a week, getting at least one day off together.... downright weird at times, not going to lie. But its nice. 

I had big plans to be so productive while he was gone. 

But the rocks in my belly state otherwise. So instead, a lot of time on the heating pad.

And hope that tomorrow will be better and I can at least tidy the house before he gets home on Friday...

Oh hey...

Hey there,
How is it going? What have you been up to?

I feel like we haven't seen each other in while. I mean, its been almost exactly a month since I wrote my last blog. I guess I was just so impressed with myself that I developed writer's block: a little worry that I couldn't write as well as I did last time.

Well, its not that exactly. I just really have not had the... focus to write about a topic... any topic.

I know, you've missed me. Well, I've missed you too. No. Really. I have opened up blogger to write a new post, I don't know how many times. But I've let you down.

So, here I am, at your feet, asking for your forgiveness. With a promise that I will write a real blog tomorrow.

No, seriously friends, I promise. Tomorrow.

And I don't just mean tomorrow because Wednesday starts in one minute for me. I mean tomorrow because as I write this, the sleep that has been avoiding me is suddenly slipping back heavier and heavier.

So I am headed to cuddle with the heating pad and the dog and I will be with you tomorrow, I promise.

Good Night,
Lia

One for the hubby

On the way home from work tonight, I heard this song by Weezer. Its been on the radio nonstop but it was a quiet moment in my thoughts and I actually listened to some of the lyrics. It is a pop-py song called "I want you to."
"The moon was shining on the lake at night,
Your Slayer t-shirt fit the scene just right.
With smeared mascara,
I looked into your eyes, I saw a light.

You told me stories about your chickadees,
They didn’t like BB guns or stupid archery.
The jumbo lifeguard, he let them use the pool all day for free.

Then the conversation stopped,
And I looked down at my feet.
I was next to you and you were right there next to me

Then I said, “Girl!
If you’re wondering if I want you to,
I want you to!
So make a move!
Cause I ain’t got all night!"

I giggle at this chorus because when it came to Pete and I, I made the first move.

Oooh, scandalous, you are thinking. You are wondering if you should keep on reading... Most of my followers are parents and grandparents (and I do mean MY OWN parents and grandparents)... I assure you that this will remain as PG rated as always.

It was a dark night on I-25 headed back from a forensics meet in Denver. Pete was sitting one seat in front of me. And after a full day of flirting (days, weeks, months, who knows where we were at this point), I whispered something in his ear (I don't remember what, but I would be willing to bet it was pretty G rated) and grabbed his hand. And we held hands the whole way back home. 

"Nothing" came of our high school friendship as we moved on in various ways and lost touch until Pete randomly emailed me in November of 2005. I had tried to think nothing of this car ride for years as I figured it was just a silly adolescence thing until one of the emails from Pete included this, "but i do seem to remember a long drive back from a forensics competition, holding hands and awkward silences. and then thats it, thats the last time i remember you. i dont really know what happened but it has stuck in my mind for a long time. maybe you can fill me in. pete"

Pete moved back from Germany, we began dating, he went to Iraq, came home, I was still faithfully his and suddenly we were engaged.

"The rest of the summer was the best we ever had.

We watched Titanic and it didn’t make us sad.
I took you to Best Buy,
You took me home to meet your mom and dad.

Your mom cooked meatloaf even though I don’t eat meat,
I dug you so much, I took some for the team.
Your dad was silent,
His eyes were fixed to what was on TV.

Then the conversation stopped and I looked down at the ring,
Your folks were next to you,
And you were right there next to me.

Then I said, “Girl!
If you’re wondering if I want you to,
I want you to!
I swear it’s true!
Without you, my heart is blue.

Girl! If you’re wondering if I want you to,
I want you to!
So make a move!
‘Cause I ain’t got all night!"

We will call Pete's aunt Amy the first to know about our engagement as we ran into her around town the FIRST DAY I was wearing my ring and she immediately spied it. We all kept close lipped until announcing to the parents a few days later, but I saw the look she gave me after seeing the new ring on my left hand...

"So much pain may come my way,

There may come a day when we have nothing left to say!

When the conversation stops,
And we’re facing our defeat.
I’ll be next to you,
And you’ll be right there next to me.

Then I said, “Girl!
If you’re wondering if I want you to,
I want you to!
I swear it’s true!
Without you, my heart is blue.

Girl! If you’re wondering if I want you to,
I want you to!
So make a move!
‘Cause I ain’t got all night!"

Through everything, Pete gets it. Or he doesn't. But even on the days he doesn't, he is still the closest to it. He gets me. And he keeps me sane, puts my head back on straight, holds me while I cry, rolls his eyes at pregnant people with me, and so many more things. 

So, even during those times when it really feels like its me against the world, I just try and remind myself that it is we against the world (yes, I know that isn't grammatically correct, try and stop me)...

And I sure am glad I made that first move.

So its my birthday...

On Thursday, September 9, 2010... I turned 25 years old.
I had the day off work. It began a little crazy because the night before our car broke down in a liquor store parking lot on the way home from work. We ended up at John and Heidi's most of the day waiting to find out that we were spending a paycheck on the jeep. I went to work the following day and had many staff members tell me happy birthday. My parents and parents in law took me out for Japanese (YUM).

Something about 25 conveyed this... hope. This true, "finally an adult" feeling. I never had that at 18 or 21. But, it felt like, at 25... life was suddenly going to be a big deal.

Well!!! 25 was a big deal. Here is a brief summary.
Since turning 25, I have:
Ridden my bike to work (not every day, I just remember that being a thing of note last fall)
Had a belated birthday celebration with all the women in the family (aka: received MORE gifts)
Blogged
Ridden the rampart reservoir trail for the first time after years of talking about it
Found out I was pregnant
Went to Keystone for a weekend of fun to celebrate Pete and I's third anniversary
Found out I had softball sized fibroids (benign uterine tumors) and therefore a HIGH risk pregnancy.
Enjoyed my first ever paid time off from work. Which afforded me the ability to be at ALL the family holiday celebrations including day early Thanksgiving, Traditional Sunday nutcracker matinee performance, lil yuleaftin (still don't know how to spell after 4 years of marriage to the East's), Christmas Eve slumber party at Grandmas, etc.
Became pretty decided that Baby would be named Carter, girl or boy
Had the most memorable first morning sickness experience ever, sprinting to the bathroom mid manager meeting... good thing I told my bosses early!!
Had my first ER visit ever
Went camping
Ran a restaurant despite debilitating morning sickness
Made a bedskirt on my new sewing machine (christmas present)
Worked a closing shift new Year's Eve and laughed at all the nearly naked girls running around between bars in -15 degrees
Moved in with parents in law
Showed up at super bowl with a growler... of rootbeer (and vanilla ice cream)
Felt baby kick for the first time (post rootbeer float, coincidence, I think not!)
Had my second ER visit ever
Found out baby was a girl!
Had amniocentesis
Rolled my eyes at the suggestion of bed rest
Made fabulous soft, cuddly baby blanket
Registered for Baby gifts
Had my first ambulance ride ever
Hospitalized for 4 days
Nearly died with brain swelling, and kidney failure due to pre-eclampsia
Had major surgery
Carter Marie born nearly 15 weeks early at 1lb 4 oz.
Carter Marie died at 40 hours old due to severe stroke
Took 8 weeks off
Learned the joy of second ever Paid time off by receiving a paycheck for far more than I worked of the month of March
Only on blood pressure medication for 1 week of the estimated 2-6 weeks
Sewed my brains out
Cleaned out baby stuff from Carter's Closet
Remade Carter's closet into fabulous Kitchen island
Cooked
Cleaned
Read
Used lots of kleenex
Journaled
Visited a swanky resort in Tempe, AZ. Sat by pool for four days. Ate Fish tacos. Rolled eyes at the pool bartender hitting me: and introduced him to my mother in law. HA!
Returned to work
Rode my bike again for the first time in months
Planted tomotoes, peppers, and strawberries in topsy turvy planters. Also planted flowers (they died) and herbs (they took over the flowers) Planted pumpkins, but they were eaten by squirrels or birds almost immediately
Paid medical bills
Made birthday gifts
Found out our GM was leaving to run another restaurant in the company
Got Carter's footprints tattooed on my foot
Worked a lot
My brother visited!!
Went to the boat on Lake Pueblo
Spent time with Nephews 1, 2 and 3 while they visited for three weeks
Went camping
Refinished sewing table
Participated in the first annual CASA bike ride for Hope
Brewed beer
Reconnected with an old friend also suffering the trauma of pregnancy gone wrong
Saddened to hear about the death of one of my OG Carlsbad friends due to leukemia
Pete got promoted
Cut off all my hair
Got promoted to General Manager
Got new glasses
Hit the six month marker of our baby being gone. Realized she had been gone longer than we had even known she existed: did not make it easier
Worked 8 days in a row while transitioning to my new "GM" schedule.


And that is 25... in a nutshell.

I find myself looking back on that and hoping that 26 is better. Then, acknowledging that, despite all the pain, 25 was not HORRIBLE. So then I just hope that 26 is not any worse. I've thought maybe, 26 won't be so eventful... and that would be good. But that is probably an unrealistic expectation. A lot can happen in a year.

So.... I'm just left with what sounds like a toast to my passing age:
"Here is to you, 25... a year I can only hope contained my worst day ever. A year that provided joy, pain, tears, laughter, hope, excitement, fear, strength, worry, friends, family, and a whole lot of other things. I thank you for the good and happily let go of you because of the bad. I will not say 'good riddance' because I would hate for that to come back at me... but well, frankly, I'm thinking it.
And to 26. Let's be friends. I'll take whatever you got... but please don't hurt too bad."

facebook makes serious things totally dumb

Yesterday, I checked facebook to find that an old acquantaince from college had posted, "I'm 18 weeks and craving twizzlers."
I looked at her page, her pics, her updates to see nothing about pregnancy. What a strange way to announce your pregnancy I thought to myself. I posted a quick comment, "congrats?" and went about life.


Today, I had a message from this friend.
"Pass this along: Ok pretty ladies, it's that time of year again, in support of breast cancer awareness!! Remember last year so many people took part that it made national news and, the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we're doing this and helped raise awareness!! Do NOT tell any males what the status' mean, keep them guessing!! And please copy and paste (in a message )this to all your female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year!!! I did my part... now YOUR turn! The idea is to choose the month you were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the girls only and lets see how far it reaches around. The last one about the bra went round allovr the world. So you'll write... I'm (your birth month) weeks and I'm craving (your birth date)!!! as your status. 

Example: Feb 14th = I'm 2 weeks and craving Choclolate mints!!

January-1 week
Febuary-2 weeks
March-3 weeks
April-4 weeks
May-6 weeks
June-8 weeks
July-10 weeks
August-12 weeks
September-13 weeks
October-14 weeks
November-16 weeks
December-18 weeks

Days of the month:
1-Skittles
2-Starburst
3-Kit-Kat
4-M&M's
5-Galaxy
6-Crunchie
7-Dairy Milk
8-Lollipop
9-Peanut Butter Cups
10-Meat Balls
11-Twizzlers
12-Bubble Gum
13-Hershey's Kisses
14-Chocolate Mints
15-Twix
16-Resse's Fastbreak
17-Fudge
18-Cherry Jello
19-Milkyway
20-Pickels
21-Creme Eggs
22-Skittles
23-Gummy Bears
24-Gummy Worms
25-Strawberry Pop Tarts
26-Starburst
27-Mini Eggs
28-Kit-Kat Chunkie
29-Double Chocolate Chip Chrunchy Cookies
30-Smarties
31-Chocolate Cake"

I already facebook posted a 150 character response to this stupidity, but I'm in the mood to rant more so here goes.

point number 1: W.T.F does a fake pregnancy post about craving candy have anything to do with breast cancer. Atleast the original one (bra color) had something to do with boobies, which is what awareness is trying to save I thought... But faking all your friends out to pregnancy? dumb.... 

point number 2: If your post has nothing to do with breast cancer, or breasts in general even, how are we supposed to know that you are supporting breast cancer awareness? and itsn't the point of social media to spread the word and get everyone on board? Well if no one knows what you are talking about, how are you being effective? To illustrate my point, I am going to quote all the comments following my friends post yesterday, names removed:

• What?!?!?!

  Friday at 5:00pm · 
• Congrats?

  Friday at 5:37pm · 
• Whaaaaa??

  Friday at 6:46pm · 
• 
  

  Whaaaaat? Congrats girl.

  Friday at 8:12pm · 
• Details, please..
  
  
  So... I'm annoyed. You already get that. (I'm also annoyed that by copy and pasting from facebook, my text formatting is all curfuffled... but I will get over that.)
  But here we are at point number 3, with a... footnote:
  
  Footnote:
  I am a baby loss mama. I understand that this aforementioned title makes me sensitive about things that other people are not sensitive about, sometimes offended for things I would not have been offended about a year ago, etc. There are people that may think that this rant is solely because I have just recently tragically lost my child after a... rough go with the reproductive world.
  And I will admit that this is... partly that.
  
  Point number 3: This post is COMPLETELY insensitive. Facebook is already... quite frankly, a hard place after infant loss. In online support groups I have seen it over and over again. Sometimes being so easily in touch with people I would have fallen out of touch with years ago is painful as they go through healthy pregnancy, perfect babies and what... seems like to me, a happy perfect world while "growing their family." I have only stayed because... because as snobby as this may seem, I follow friends and acquaintances pregnancies to ensure they don't go through anything like I did. Most of the pregnancies I have kept up on and commented or checked in on frequently have been my women friends experiencing trouble. Everything from my friend whose morning sickness wouldn't let up to my friend who just developed pre-eclampsia at 27 weeks and had an emergency c section (this situation was like deja vu, though I am happy to report Alex is doing well and almost a week old, though those of you who pray, keep praying because 1lb 6oz babies have much to overcome.)
  Experiencing loss like this is something you cannot imagine until you are living it. Its horrible and painful and continues to be no matter how much of your life moves on. It does change you. It does make you sensitive to people posting about pregnancies they AREN'T ACTUALLY EXPERIENCING.
  But here is a fact I have to tell myself regularly when I start to feel alone in my situation. ONE IN FOUR PREGNANCIES ENDS IN A LOSS DURING THE PREGNANCY OR EARLY INFANCY. 
  ONE IN FOUR PREGNANCIES...That does not even account for the innumerous (I could probably find the statistic if I wanted) women who experience years of infertility, often unexplained infertility. That means... that if you are of "child rearing age" (this is a vague age group I know, but I bet you can inspect the demographic of your friends and have an idea if you fit into this category), its not a small estimate to suggest that 30% of your female facebook friends are hurting from infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. So then there are countless posts about, "I'm ____ weeks and craving ____" Well, one sixth (assuming your facebook friends are 50/50 split between genders) of your friends are thinking about how nice it would be to be craving ANYTHING because they were ANY weeks along, just being able to shout it out on facebook without worrying whether they would have to later announce their loss just as publicly.
  
  
  Don't get me wrong. I get the point. Let's raise awareness. But let's do it in a way that is easily relatable to breast cancer, people understand what is going on,  and can support the mission without being offended.
  Personally, I don't think that is so much to ask.
  
  I haven't scripted an exact facebook plan just yet... but since "breast cancer awareness month" is OCTOBER, I figure I have 26 more days to figure it out and start announcing.  If you have any ideas, let me know... I think the person behind the "bra color" status update got to be on the today show or something. That could be fun...
  
  How is this for awareness:
  

  Lia Hall

  Ten months ago, I was 13 weeks and craving ("peanut butter cups"). More realistically, I was craving buttered noodles and saltines because I was throwing up all the time. 

  

  But, by saying "13 weeks" and "peanut butter cups", and having received the "code reader" email, you've now been reminded my birthday is on Friday. Please plan accordingly.

   ·  · 59 minutes ago

Dearest Daughter

I wrote this in my journal a while ago but wanted to share because...
because I think this is the easiest way to summarize the basic thoughts that are ALWAYS going through my head.
"Dear Carter,
I spend every day hoping you know how much mommy and daddy love you. Because one of the emptiest feelings is thinking that without you here to hold, kiss, snuggle, and show off... there is just no way to express how much we love you.

I hope you get to play with Jay and Liam and all those other babies whose time on earth was too short.

I hope that children in heaven are not mean to each other like children on earth: that you are not teased about anything because you are perfect.

I hope there are parties in heaven: extra special, extra perfect days full of cake and presents and people telling you how wonderful you are. But maybe every day in heaven in like that. And that's okay too.

I hope you've met the wonderful man we named you after. I hope he introduced himself as Uncle Josh... because if you were both here on earth, that is the title we would have given him.

I hope the great grandmothers we thought you wouldn't get to meet are there to love you every day. I hope they hug and kiss you and tell great stories like they did for daddy and I.

Maybe you have met some of daddy's other friends too. I hope they tell you only of the good times: terrorism and war deserve no place in heaven.

I hope that our sadness doesn't contaminate your heaven. We are trying so hard to get along here without you, but some days it is much harder than others. I hope, if you feel our sadness, you know that it is just because we miss you even when we know you are fine. I hope, that if you must feel our sadness, then you get to feel our happiness and love too.

I hope that you know you will never be out of our hearts, our thoughts, or memories. I hope you know we will cherish ever moment we had with you... even the scary ones, the sad ones, the vomit-y ones. We will constantly wish that every moment with you had totaled many many more, but accept that cannot happen.

But mostly, I just hope you know how much we love you.
Love,
Mommy